a messy dancer with economic background.......

I started dance very late although it was already a part of myself since I was born. By that time I didn't know about it and I choose completely different carrier path and became an economist. I searched for the form of my own expression for quite a while, it took me approximately 30 years to decide what I want to do as grown up. Even then it wasn't that clear. I presume it's the whole process through different life stages to make it happen and follow your own path. The insecurity of tomorrow is the only restriction we all put on ourselves to have excuse that's the only reason why we are stacked and unhappy. The truth is that if we are scared we will never push the boundaries in order to get where we wish to go. The matter of our existence is to live a moment and enjoy it. Why is much easier instead live the past and further and make our life hell through the unnecessary negativity we are projecting on our own request. The reason i started this blog...story.... book is to do my own self analyses and share it with whoever happens to read me. I am struggling with making myself clear in my life in terms of relationship with others and with myself. I've got pretty big self-esteem, however when I find time to rest and relax I am going through incredibly complicated thoughts battle against myself and others. I can not stop being negative and judgemental, I'm nasty and intolerant with surrounding. I blame the world for my unhappiness at that moment and can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I run like a crazy I forget about any single worry and I go towards my destination to touch the dream and make it happen. The dream is so clear to keep creating the contemporary dance theatre pieces and performing them nationally and internationally. I want to extend my dance company and work on projects full time. There is nothing can stop me from this aim. As I said before I was born with this idea, it took me only 30 years to discover it. I am hesitating to reach the main stage so quickly that I forget about the consequences of rushing too much. In fact when I am about to collapse it's already too late to put everything on hold and continue when it's appropriate. I make myself completely exhausted that I can not handle it any logger, and then I collapse and I m run out of energy, I feel emptiness. The recovery usually is not that long, it takes proximately few weeks but the intensity is pronounced. it messes all my life and chops into the puzzles, which is so hard to put back into one image. I know it from autopsy and I should be smart enough to go over it but I can not, each time I make the same mistake. I give fully myself in whatever I do and then I loose control on what I am supposed to be doing. I go over the physical and mental limits which causes the stress and pain within my body and soul. My heart is blooding so my body is. I am in such a beautiful relationship with someone who I admire and appreciate, but I came to the point of break down of myself and the relationship. I would like to stop pushing my self destructivity and control my emotions and changes of mud to avoid the further and more painful consequences of separation caused by myself. May be it's not just me to control it, may be I am right and my instinct is telling me that I should walk away, but in the meanwhile I can not, I believe in us and I want to keep it. I don't want to let us go and give it up. I want to fight for us and overcome my irritation and anxiety I am going through at the moment. I am about to live in two weeks time to Florida to visit very good friend of mine who is a yoga therapist. She is organising her own teaching certificate for yoga teachers specialised in therapy for mental health , anxiety and depression. I would like to help her with preparation. I also would like to develop my own course of yoga dance. I've created my own yoga dance fusion which combines the elements of contemporary dance enriched by yoga asanas. I teach it common people but I would like to get involved in the yoga dance training the professional dancers who can teach my style. I believe that's help to release the day to day tension, improve the blood circulation, release the toxins and bring the positivity into ones life. I don't want to convince anyone through any particular medical terminology to impress, I just want to transmit my passion and love for what i do in my private and professional life by 'dancing my heart out and letting my soul in'. I've got pretty clear ideas about my life in general. I want to carry on with yoga courses development for other teachers, I want to continue my Jawaf Dance Theatre company and Las Chicas Production Dance Theatre, I want to edit my yoga on board and yoga dance series available on line. I keep developing my companies on my own but I have to start employing others to be able to focus more on creative tasks and performance. I've got 2 weeks in the UK to start working on my Jawaf Dance Theatre website, edit the trail for yoga on board and 'voices 4 change' for las choices production. From the beginning of October 2010 I have to start 4 times a week rehearsals: twice x 3 hours ' voices 4 change' to extend it up to 1 hour repertoire, and Jawaf Dance Theatre: twice a week x 3 hours rehearsals - extend the piece with Ana up to 45 min. The community dance project also will take a place: once a week 3 hours. It will make my whole week full of work and additionally to it I have to earn some money through yoga and dance teaching classes (at least (5 x week). I need to find the rehearsing space for at least 5 times a week x 3 hours; apply for local authority founds and study Physical Theatre Postgraduate degree (once a month x 2 days), Yoga therapy for mental health, depression and anxiety, pilates certificate (once a week). I really need 3 months break in Florida to get ready for the beginning of next scholar year 2010/2011. I am off to Florida in 2 weeks time and the preparation begins.....Hasta Luego !!!!!!