welcome back....

The feeling of heavy head and bloored vision are almost gone. The lightness is coming through the window of hope and the darkness is suttled up where its place just to be ready to take off whenever it's needed again to scrue the psiche up. Nevertheless the bad time seems to be going away and bringing the positivity into life again. The nightmares are released and replaced by dreamless nights. The colourful dreams are on their way.

I am surrounded by lots of friends, who are incredible helpful when I need help. Everyone is taking care of me and it's such an uplifting feeling. Until you don't need it you are not aware of how many people are around you and really care for you. Even if we feel sometime lonely we've got still soul mates around who give us support when we are looking for it. it's amazing that these wonderful people still exist......

I managed to go to see few dance performances in last three evenings and one of them was really special.
http://www.sadlerswells.com/standalonevideo.php?video=/assets/videos/63786503001,82868447001&show=2629&dp=1&show=2629&more=1
it seemed to be sited in the stable surrounded by cows, horses, dogs and frogs. The audio made of voices and noises with microphone in the mouth was pretty impressive and made the performance unique. It was one and half hour performance without interval, with shapeless dances. It attracted completely the whole audience's attention. It was impressive how little going on stage can make such a huge performance. For instance tonight performance of Richard Alston Dance company which has been celebrating its 40 years of existence was just boring. There was nothing except the shapes which were meaningless. The same steps, sequences, so predictable. I couldn't focus, i lost the track since the beginning. This is an example how careful the choreographer should be in order to create the master piece which will communicate with the audience. In this case it was pointless and empty. It was about dancers techniques and nothing else. I was starving for the story and some kind of connection but I haven't found it;(

what's then...?

I woke up with a feeling of being completely abandoned. I've experienced it time ago and I was in pain for at least one year. Is there any recipe to avoid it or reject it and just carry on with ones life. How painful it's to experience it. It makes me feel that the whole world collapsed and i am drown. I can not relax my mind, my thoughts are spinning around my head like crazy and I can not focus on single one. I'm completely absorbed by this sea of never ending worries which are bothering my brain. I hardly can manage to sleep...When I am awake the demon is coming back and occupying my soul. I don't want let him in but it's stronger then my own determination and gets into my brain anyway to shake it and mess it up. How much I wish to be free of it, I want to welcome the peacefulness and calmness. I want them to dominate my inner self. I want to be free of negative energy and fulfilled with the positive one which was always part of my path. Where am I going now? How to stop that devil from ruining my life, how to push him away to become normal again. I've got a plan ...we all know what it means like the whole world is collapsing, it's like we are pushed away from the edge of the river and going with strong current towards the highest water fall where if we don't catch the edge we are going to be taken by for ever. We'll never ever manage to come out of the river and will be prisoned in its depth for ever. To be able to get out of the river we must take a challenge and with all the mental strength we've got we have to catch the tree branch and embrace it with all the determination we've to avoid the powerful river's current to take us with its spring. Whatever is caused by the mother nature affects our immune and nerve system. We can not function without that connection which is our biology and we have to do everything to follow the nature but also follow the power of mind. Whatever happens in our brain is not just chemical reaction of outside receptors it's our own imagination, our mental projection of facts we unconsciously don't want us to happen. Unfortunately human ability of negativity absorption is so strong that instead of making positive things happen we stimulate the negative energy and provoke the bad things happen as we projected in the first place. Brain will follow our thoughts and that's why we have to be careful about over analysing some facts which not necessary must take place. Why are we scared of positive projection which makes us happy straight away? Why would worries overwhelm our selves and make us feel useless and deeply depressed? Sometimes I've got impression that the medicine in spite of being hugely advanced in real life is pointless because leaves us with the emptiness and completely unaware of what's going on within our body and mind. I'm still convince that the blog's writing is the best tool to help ourselves when we feel completely abandonment in the middle of nowhere.

who am I...?

Every day I wake up I am a different perdon. Each time I am asked for my personal profile info I can not just copy and paste from different page. Every second of my life I am a different person. Today I am frustrated millionaire, tomorrow I am happy but poor dancer. Each time when I look into the mirror I see somebody else with different age, colour of skin and hair. I lost my identity since I was born and how can I say who I am. I know my official name, though I've got so many nick names, I know my profession nevertheless I've got 1000 of these. I am PR, PA, GM, I am a housewife, I am a cleaner, I am a yogi, I am a dancer. I am all that. I am sitting in the chair, I am lying in the bed no matter wether it's the darkness or lightness, I am lonely, I am in the centre of universe's attention, I am faithful, I am a cheater, I am sober, I am drugged, I am conscious, I am completely lost, I am here, I am death, I am alive, I am there. I am from Venus, I am from Mars, I am a dancer for life, I am a looser for death, I am present on earth. I am a kid of the god, I am a sister of demon, I am a daughter of evil, I am a partner of hell, I am a friend of heaven, I am an enemy of myself, I am a mess of frustration, I am a power of the sun, I am a sadness of the moon, I am completely out of the blue.....

love's ode:

Recently we've been through the battle accusing each other of our rights and faults. I know that it's not easy time for both of us especially for you. I apologise for making you feel guilty of not dedicating me enough time or not doing enough for me. I am very thankful for all you've done and I really appreciate it. I would probably need a little bit more attention from you now when I feel really down after my injury. Though I don't want you to be overwhelmed by my problems and don't want you to get distracted from your..... I am normally not very needy person, but at the moment I am going through very funny time probably due to that injury. I'm struggling to put all the puzzles into one bit. I feel like I am drowning down in a deep water and I can not find the emergency exit. I've got support in you, my friends and family so you don't need to worry about me. I'll be back to balance soon (hopefully;). I want you to know as I said already that I want to continue the never ending battle with you till the end of my life. Hopefully it will come soon, otherwise I'll turn into total mess...;) Which means I want to live a peaceful life with you no matter happens. I am not scared of anything in order to keep connection between you and me. I am ready to face the problems and insecurities due to our culture differences (even if I don't experience any, for first time in my life I feel deeply connected to your roots)... It's impossible to fall in love with a perfect one, because someone like that doesn't exist. Even though it would be so boring to have everything sorted out and having no reason to fight for the best. What's really important in our relationship is to remember how much we care for each other, how strong our feelings are to be able to reject what's against us. It's up to us to decide our own destiny.....we are going to live with the person we choose but nobody else. In order to be happy do we need to come from the same background? If it was our last moment in our life would it be really the case? Shouldn't we take a risk and live fully without any worries and doubts of tomorrow? Shouldn't we just fully enjoy the moment and be together with all love we've got for each other? We live in 21 century with freedom to express our needs without any restriction. Shouldn't we take it as a challenge and make it our life's role? Why must the roles be always negative? We can create our own roles which make us stronger and happier. I hope our feelings are powerful enough to fight against the wall which society builds between us. I am not superstitious and I am aware of consequences of living with you, even thought I still want to take the risk of being with you ..... I love you enough to continue the battle against the obstacles ....

a messy dancer with economic background.......

I started dance very late although it was already a part of myself since I was born. By that time I didn't know about it and I choose completely different carrier path and became an economist. I searched for the form of my own expression for quite a while, it took me approximately 30 years to decide what I want to do as grown up. Even then it wasn't that clear. I presume it's the whole process through different life stages to make it happen and follow your own path. The insecurity of tomorrow is the only restriction we all put on ourselves to have excuse that's the only reason why we are stacked and unhappy. The truth is that if we are scared we will never push the boundaries in order to get where we wish to go. The matter of our existence is to live a moment and enjoy it. Why is much easier instead live the past and further and make our life hell through the unnecessary negativity we are projecting on our own request. The reason i started this blog...story.... book is to do my own self analyses and share it with whoever happens to read me. I am struggling with making myself clear in my life in terms of relationship with others and with myself. I've got pretty big self-esteem, however when I find time to rest and relax I am going through incredibly complicated thoughts battle against myself and others. I can not stop being negative and judgemental, I'm nasty and intolerant with surrounding. I blame the world for my unhappiness at that moment and can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I run like a crazy I forget about any single worry and I go towards my destination to touch the dream and make it happen. The dream is so clear to keep creating the contemporary dance theatre pieces and performing them nationally and internationally. I want to extend my dance company and work on projects full time. There is nothing can stop me from this aim. As I said before I was born with this idea, it took me only 30 years to discover it. I am hesitating to reach the main stage so quickly that I forget about the consequences of rushing too much. In fact when I am about to collapse it's already too late to put everything on hold and continue when it's appropriate. I make myself completely exhausted that I can not handle it any logger, and then I collapse and I m run out of energy, I feel emptiness. The recovery usually is not that long, it takes proximately few weeks but the intensity is pronounced. it messes all my life and chops into the puzzles, which is so hard to put back into one image. I know it from autopsy and I should be smart enough to go over it but I can not, each time I make the same mistake. I give fully myself in whatever I do and then I loose control on what I am supposed to be doing. I go over the physical and mental limits which causes the stress and pain within my body and soul. My heart is blooding so my body is. I am in such a beautiful relationship with someone who I admire and appreciate, but I came to the point of break down of myself and the relationship. I would like to stop pushing my self destructivity and control my emotions and changes of mud to avoid the further and more painful consequences of separation caused by myself. May be it's not just me to control it, may be I am right and my instinct is telling me that I should walk away, but in the meanwhile I can not, I believe in us and I want to keep it. I don't want to let us go and give it up. I want to fight for us and overcome my irritation and anxiety I am going through at the moment. I am about to live in two weeks time to Florida to visit very good friend of mine who is a yoga therapist. She is organising her own teaching certificate for yoga teachers specialised in therapy for mental health , anxiety and depression. I would like to help her with preparation. I also would like to develop my own course of yoga dance. I've created my own yoga dance fusion which combines the elements of contemporary dance enriched by yoga asanas. I teach it common people but I would like to get involved in the yoga dance training the professional dancers who can teach my style. I believe that's help to release the day to day tension, improve the blood circulation, release the toxins and bring the positivity into ones life. I don't want to convince anyone through any particular medical terminology to impress, I just want to transmit my passion and love for what i do in my private and professional life by 'dancing my heart out and letting my soul in'. I've got pretty clear ideas about my life in general. I want to carry on with yoga courses development for other teachers, I want to continue my Jawaf Dance Theatre company and Las Chicas Production Dance Theatre, I want to edit my yoga on board and yoga dance series available on line. I keep developing my companies on my own but I have to start employing others to be able to focus more on creative tasks and performance. I've got 2 weeks in the UK to start working on my Jawaf Dance Theatre website, edit the trail for yoga on board and 'voices 4 change' for las choices production. From the beginning of October 2010 I have to start 4 times a week rehearsals: twice x 3 hours ' voices 4 change' to extend it up to 1 hour repertoire, and Jawaf Dance Theatre: twice a week x 3 hours rehearsals - extend the piece with Ana up to 45 min. The community dance project also will take a place: once a week 3 hours. It will make my whole week full of work and additionally to it I have to earn some money through yoga and dance teaching classes (at least (5 x week). I need to find the rehearsing space for at least 5 times a week x 3 hours; apply for local authority founds and study Physical Theatre Postgraduate degree (once a month x 2 days), Yoga therapy for mental health, depression and anxiety, pilates certificate (once a week). I really need 3 months break in Florida to get ready for the beginning of next scholar year 2010/2011. I am off to Florida in 2 weeks time and the preparation begins.....Hasta Luego !!!!!!

Florida Time;)

London, 13 June 2010
its a time to leave everything behind and go ahead into the unknown. I am flying to Florida at the end of June for 3 months. I am not sure how long I am going to be there for but at least my return ticket expires after the end of September. I don't feel right now very excited about it because I am overwhelmed by my previous dance project, I've got a head injury and I am still recovering from that. I feel depressed and anxious. I don't know where to go. i am upset with myself and can not live my live within my relationship. Everything annoys me and makes me feel claustrophobic. I don't see any more sense in being in relationship with someone who doesn't participate in my live. I feel drilled of energy and sparkle. I am dying....How desperate I am for someone who would like to be a part of my life and actually share it with me. I made my performance last Friday 4th June 2010. Las Chicas Production came out with a new distractive piece ' Voices 4 change' which i can feel till now. I am not certain what really affect my such a bad mud since then but I can not gather my thoughts and balance back to normal. I can not do any physical activity since I fell down on my head, but even worse my physical state of mind is pretty much affected by over-stress I presume. I am falling apart, my body is separated, my mind is somewhere else, who am I. When I've been to the hospital the doctor told me that I broke my neck and I need to be immobilised until they do all the analysis. he scared me to death, I thought that I passed away for a second. I wasn't sure what was happening, but unconsciously I didn't believe him. In fact later on he realised that I was born with dodgy neck and they let me go. I am not in perfect shape thought, I am a mess. I've been at the cinema with my best friend to watch the sex and the city 2. it wasn't very exciting at the beginning but eventually got better - of course if we talk in categories of the best banal movies. Even that wasn't completely pointless to follow. In fact they touched very simply and day to day life problems like relationships and family problems. if we've got children we don't have time for partner, if we've got partner we get easily bored because there are no more challenges. it's a closed circuit, which doesn't go anywhere. I've been through the tough time because after being very busy and not having time to reflect, suddenly I sat down or lied down and started thinking, analysing, and over analysing. I think it's time to come back to hectic life so I can completely detach from silly and pointless thoughts. even though if they appear may be it's a time to move on. where should I go a part from Florida. I've been pushed towards that direction, who knows why...? the time will show soon. now it's time to be an adult again and don't show too much weaknesses which are coming out after the head injury trauma I've experienced recently;)