London, 13 June 2010
its a time to leave everything behind and go ahead into the unknown. I am flying to Florida at the end of June for 3 months. I am not sure how long I am going to be there for but at least my return ticket expires after the end of September. I don't feel right now very excited about it because I am overwhelmed by my previous dance project, I've got a head injury and I am still recovering from that. I feel depressed and anxious. I don't know where to go. i am upset with myself and can not live my live within my relationship. Everything annoys me and makes me feel claustrophobic. I don't see any more sense in being in relationship with someone who doesn't participate in my live. I feel drilled of energy and sparkle. I am dying....How desperate I am for someone who would like to be a part of my life and actually share it with me. I made my performance last Friday 4th June 2010. Las Chicas Production came out with a new distractive piece ' Voices 4 change' which i can feel till now. I am not certain what really affect my such a bad mud since then but I can not gather my thoughts and balance back to normal. I can not do any physical activity since I fell down on my head, but even worse my physical state of mind is pretty much affected by over-stress I presume. I am falling apart, my body is separated, my mind is somewhere else, who am I. When I've been to the hospital the doctor told me that I broke my neck and I need to be immobilised until they do all the analysis. he scared me to death, I thought that I passed away for a second. I wasn't sure what was happening, but unconsciously I didn't believe him. In fact later on he realised that I was born with dodgy neck and they let me go. I am not in perfect shape thought, I am a mess. I've been at the cinema with my best friend to watch the sex and the city 2. it wasn't very exciting at the beginning but eventually got better - of course if we talk in categories of the best banal movies. Even that wasn't completely pointless to follow. In fact they touched very simply and day to day life problems like relationships and family problems. if we've got children we don't have time for partner, if we've got partner we get easily bored because there are no more challenges. it's a closed circuit, which doesn't go anywhere. I've been through the tough time because after being very busy and not having time to reflect, suddenly I sat down or lied down and started thinking, analysing, and over analysing. I think it's time to come back to hectic life so I can completely detach from silly and pointless thoughts. even though if they appear may be it's a time to move on. where should I go a part from Florida. I've been pushed towards that direction, who knows why...? the time will show soon. now it's time to be an adult again and don't show too much weaknesses which are coming out after the head injury trauma I've experienced recently;)
