New York 18-21Sept '10

New York 18-21Sept '10

New York experience was very good, I felt like at home over there. It reminded me of London just a bigger version of it. The skyscrapers were impressive, the ground zero even more, the Manhatan's shore very beautiful with the Statue of Liberty view. I was living near by Central Park which i was crossing through over and over again. i loved it. I went to the Lincoln theatre to see the New York Ballet performance. Nothing special thought, a little bit too commercial being honest. the theatre was beautiful. The American museum of History was OK, similar to the one in London. I lived on 73rd western part of Central Park. I couldn't miss the Martha Graham Contemporary Dance School - against my expectation it turned out in such a tiny place made of one big and one little studio. I didn't take a class as I wasn't prepare, no rehearsing clothes. it would cost me at least 100$ to buy the clothes (40$pans, 30$ top) of the company and pay for the class (25$). Soho and Greenwich Village were so far my favourite places, picturesque, colourful, with lots of cosy cafes and restaurants. I walked to Washington place which was really beautiful made of central gate like arce de truph in Paris and fountain in the middle of the square, crowd of people. Fantastic fresh food shop - fairway with all kind of organic and healthy food - was just opposite to the place I was staying in. Rockefeller Centre I just visited from outside, MOMA gallery was closed on Tuesday when I had got a spare time to see the exhibition. I went by ferry to the Island next to the Statue of Liberty. It's such a pleasant half an hour trip from Manhatan to the island and for free. I took few pictures of Statue of liberty passing by. the weather was just fantastic, 26 cel degrees. I met this crazy women in the fairway shop who asked me if I was a model and she noticed a particular aura emanating out of me - she asked if I was deeply in love with someone who offered me a marriage. i agreed on marriage proposal which actually took place. I might consider it later after I realise that there is nothing more holding me any longer in London. Then I will definitely move to States. I want to come back to Florida and stay there at least half a year every year. then the other half a year I am happy to be in Europe or South America. I need to find the way to be able to set up my dance company in the way I can travel around the world and rehearse in the meantime. which means that either I will be traveling with the same dancers or having two sets of them one in London and another in USA. May be this is possible so nobody has to readopt necessary to my life style.

Orley Airport in Paris 29th September '10

I am on the way to London. It was such a hard decision to take off in Florida and fly back to London. i don't feel any more that I belong to that place (London), I've never felt so. Now after 3 months of such a good quality life in South Beach I reminded myself that my soul is near by ocean and sun. I could carry on for rest of my life like I was living for last 3 months in Miami Beach, waking up in the morning (8am), walking barefoot in bathing suit 10 minutes to the ocean, swimming for couple of hours, stretching for another couple of hours, dancing in the sand and in the middle of ocean's waves. Coming back home at noon, having fruit based breakfast, working in front of desktop for 4 hours and getting ready for yoga class either in the studio or on the beach in front of the ocean. Then having another swim under the moon or stars and getting ready for dinner usually out. Having beautiful friends around who took care of me every time when I needed their support. Somehow particulary in such a little communities we can find easier human feelings. They approach each other, share their life with others. South Beach is not that small, but the feeling is of community which I really liked. Last yoga class which I taught on the beach was very special as I had got Miamy Ballet company dancers. It was so uplifting having people in my class who share the same passion for dance, and we were all flying during the practice. I didn't have to ask if they were ballerinas, I could feel it with all my body and mind. the day before on Sunday 26th September I had got my first and last workshop in Florida at Synergy yoga studio and I was really amassed by amount of people who turned up. The studio was full and the energy was really powerful. Everyone has enjoyed and complemented me about my yoga dance style I created and they encouraged me to come back and run more workshops. i think that's time to start running them now in London. I've done it already few times but mostly at Goldsmiths University. Now I need to rent the space and market them in different London's locations. We've got with my wife an Italian project set up for April in Rome (at agriturismo) of my friend's friend. I still haven't decided which course I should take except from my wife's which I am very thankful for. I feel Like I am ready to open myself to new yoga area such as yoga therapy and mindfulness for mental health, depression and anxiety. we never know when it can hit us, and if it does it could be too late. I am aware of importance of changes which can take place in brain due to various cases of mental disorders. If one doesn't experience it, it's really difficult to imagine it. Yesterday I was swimming in the ocean just one hour before heading to the international Airport of Miami and few hours later I am sitting in the launch at Paris airport and waiting for my flight to London. I don't know where to go, and I don't know what to expect from people who care for me. I've been through very deep personal journey with ups and downs, frustration, joy and mix of all sort of feelings making me feel out of balance and completely in harmony with my self. I've learnt again a lot about myself and my mission. I feel like I am constantly on the mission whatever I do and wherever I am. I couldn't leave Miami, I felt so attached to that place. It's true i can always come back there if the feelings are that strong. I need to accomplish what I started in London and then I can continue my journey. And definitely the time in London is due to expire soon. I don't even know if I manage to do all the studies I planned to do . I would need at least 4 years to complete them. Can I manage to sacrifice my freedom in order to gain all the degrees in London? Who knows.....

brain earthquake / disneyland in FLorida 17th September '10

Everyone says that America is a golden mine. So I wanted to check it out. I went on tour to Orlando to experience the most famous Disneyland in USA. First place I visited was A Harry Potter Park. First attraction I tried was a roller coaster, that was it. After the first 5 seconds of up and down journey I ended up with head injury. The state of mind I've been in 3 months ago after the major head injury (during the dance) came back in the same intensity. My blood pressure suddenly increased in the brain, it felt like someone was squeezing my head in. I couldn't get my focus back and still my mind. The vision got blurred and I've been out of focus since then. One week after I still have got the sensation of dizziness and insecurity, I am frighten and unsure about the simplest things. My head is bombarded by spring of never ending thoughts. It feels like someone has hit my head to make me become a vegetable. My brain function slowed down, my concentration is gone. Sometime I can get back on track for such a short time and get some work done, but it doesn't last for long. What really pleases me is lying down and listening the 'ashes and snow' music which has got healing qualities. I can close my eyes and immerse in my own world where nobody can get me and hurt me. The world where I am alone but surrounded by amazing nature which makes me feel alive and in the meantime balanced, slows down the heart rate biting, decreases the blood pressure in veins and expands my lungs so I can freely breath and stay underneath the water endlessly. I am a fish that's only safe territory is an ocean and the sea life. The fish which enjoys the depth of transparent salt water and sunshine rays reflecting in the bottom of it. The fish free of thoughts and desires. the fish that follows the waves. I am the mermaid ......bullshit!!!!!! I am a human being who is in perfect shape and enjoys an incredible life over here in Florida. People around me care for me, love me and make me feel secure. A feeling of community here is so strong that makes me believe that we are one big family. My BF almost broke up with me, my mind is struggling with injury and the heart broken pain. The time in Disneyland was a nightmare and after that even worse. Maybe gradually the neuro system is calming down and brain is coming back to balance. Nevertheless i am still struggling with the physical activities to catch up with my body and mind balance. I am on the edge of what.....nothing I am happy with my self and I accept what the universe gives me. I enjoy pain when it's a right time to suffer, I enjoy loneliness when it's too much going on, I enjoy the silence when the noise is overwhelming my senses, I love the moment of being for ever immersed in the deepest water without seeing the suffice. I am about to go to New york tonight. I am not happy yet, but surly I'll become as soon as I take off on the plane. I went last night to philharmonic concert next to the house https://www.nws.edu/WebSales/ConcertEvents.aspx and I needed to leave before the end because of the loud volume of music. The second part of night was also disaster. Anyway its time to relax because apparently I need more of my daily relaxing routine;) hasta la vista!!!!!

Key West Florida 30 Aug 2010

Key West Florida 30 Aug 2010

My last weekend was pretty intense. I went to the most famous southern part of FLorida where the Cubans used to cross over the ocean in order to look for better life. Thousands of them died during the storms and floated ships. There is a memorial dedicated to their tragical death due to sicking for better condition of life. The majority of Floridan population in general come from Latin America, so the mostly spoken language is Spanish and the most characteristic cuisine come from South America. I keep discovering each time different meals such as Peruvian, Chilean, Columbian, Argentinian, Mexican, Cuban, Uruguayan. On the way to Key West (http://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&safe=active&client=safari&rls=en&q=key+west+florida&um=1&ie=UTF-8&hq=&hnear=Key+West,+FL&gl=us&ei=Swl8TOeeDNKGnQfH_NicCw&sa=X&oi=geocode_result&ct=title&resnum=1&ved=0CCMQ8gEwAA)
2 days ago I visited the national park of Island, when I went on canal and sea tour by canoeing. It was really pleasant to row while being refreshed by the gentle wind breeze in the hair and drops of water absorbed by skin. After 170 miles drive through the all little islands belonging to the long key west track I got eventually to the pick point of this track - Key West. Its such a touristic place that I could't stand for too long. After having a nice sea food lunch in Island (crab cake, egg rolls with lobster, carpaccio of tuna, platanas - bananas, potato croquettes) I had got 3 different type of key lime pie. This particular pie is very characteristic for the whole FLorida, but originally comes from Key West. Key West is a town consisting of hotels, guest houses, bad and breakfasts. The main attraction of such a common place is: shopping, eating, parting. I spent there a couple of hours and it was time to leave. I've got back home at 3 am and fell a sleep from exhaustion. The next day my wife didn't allow me to be lazy and just lie down on the couch and indulge my laziness moment. She took me to the opposite south beach side hotel to participate in the happy hour swimming pool party. Actually we've never managed before to get there as we were extremely busy during weekends with different forms of entertainment. Eventualy we've get there, have a lobster cessadilla offered by my wife and few glasses of promoted moet champaign and goose vodka fruit drinks. After our few minutes reading we had to make a move back home and get ready to go out. I went to the brazilian dance company performance which fuses the brazilian folk, capoera and contemporary dance (http://brazartedance.com/). It was a 10th anniversary of the company's existence and they celebrated it at the Martin's art theatre of Miami (http://www.manuelartimetheater.com/pages/default.asp) by 2 hours performance. It wasn't too bad, the combination of music, wavy fabrics and folk dance was really well emphasised. I wasn't impressed by the contemporary dance choreography and the dancers movement quality. All these dancers with some exception were the resent school graduates taught by the choreographer Robert Diaz. The only one dancer was exceptional. The way she moved was sensual and meaningful, she was telling the story and being passionate about it. She moved the way I would expect the Brazilian dancer to move. I think that the strongest choreographic point was the folk dance. I would make fusion of folk, capoera and contemporary dance in way that all the dancers would merged their skills and styles into one choreographed dance piece. The performance was lacking of this connection in my opinion. Nether the less some of the acts were more touching and expressive than the others. After that I went to the Chilean place recommended by my Venezuelan yoga client to have as an appetiser: empanada de mariscos (sea food pastry/fried damping), lime conch salad (delicious) followed by incredible sea food soup (la supa de mariscos). The soup was really exceptional. The next day, means today I couldn't wake up, my body wouldn't allow me to move its limbs and lift my bum up of the bad. When I've finally managed to get up and go for 2 hours/5 miles swim just after the storm I completely lost the time orientation. I practised some yoga after fully energising swim in in the middle of hudge ocean waves and I realised that it must be over noon and I am late for the appointment with my wife and a butterfly. Somehow without using the mobile phones and wondering around south beach barefoot we got together and went for lunch to Starbucks near by ocean. Even thought we were supposed to go to Persian restaurant chosen by our special guest - Butterfly - somehow we ended up in regular caffe chain place. Any way it was such a nice experience to share our thoughts and opinions with a homeless person who's got an incredible education background - such as postdoc in nuclear engineering (considering that's true). We weren't sure what was the reason she reduced her life to such a stage where she lost her home and lived on the beach of Florida. She admitted also that she was still actively working in her field as a scientific researcher and publishing her articles for related journals. Her aim was to become a professor, and as far as she told us she was, but we don't know what really happened. What has brought her to such a circumstances....We suspect she is schisofrenik as my wife saw her in a state of mind while she was arguing with herself.
I am back to my duets now and advertise my workshop....which is up soon (3 weeks time)....hasta la vista;) In Europe is cold and rainy, over hear looks like it's also an Autumn, but once you get out of AC'ed place you become aware that you're still in tropics!!!!!!Yeas I am....and I appreciate it;)

well...could be worse...there is still a lot to learn.....

Sometimes we ask ourselves whats wrong with us. Why aren't we just the way others would accept us to be? Why aren't we in their shoes for change to experience their own pain and needs. Why do we have to go through the same all over again in order to meet the same expectations and the abilities to destroy the emotions that occur us. Why aren't our feelings more straight forward and ready to talk for us and save us? Why our dignity is put on trail and has to be tested each time we are about to get what we really want. Why aren't we equal so the man-man, the woman- woman and the man - woman can carry on with their own wishes and aims without faking the reality. Why do we become judgmental when it comes to intimate feelings. Why do we expect the physical contact if we can only give and receive the spiritual one? Why are we attached to someone if we are lonely anyway. Why do we restrict each other if we are free to do whatever we feel. Why do we make others suffer without any purpose, especially when we really want to do the opposite. Why aren't we loved the way we are. Why should we change for any reason someone or something which is not belonging to us? It's enough to be restricted by political, social and economical reasons, that's why we don't want to be prisoned by any other issues which come from the closest person so important to us. Why before the sun shines the clouds cover it and bring the grey shade on our life. Isn't it just the image of being poor and frustrated, isn't it just an excuse from opening our soul and heart..... I live my dream life without any major limits, I want to offer the best of me to the universe and not expect any think in return. That would be fantastic if we all could do that. We get trapped by our possessive thoughts and don't let them go. They make us slaves of our selves, of our material and mental imperium, of attachment and addiction to whatever is material and can be easily destroyed and detached. When we fall a sleep or read a book, watch the movie, we realise that we can easily detach from the possessive thoughts which make us prisoners of our own desires. What about getting rid of the desires and just purely live the moment in loneliness or in the company of pure energy gifted by the ray of sun radiating on our face into out heart. What's wrong with our self - defence system of becoming addicted to our ego which doesn't let us go when we become sensitive and fragile. We want to control the whole world but if the intention is not pure, we are not going to succeed. Instead we'll be frustrated and miserable because of the rejection. The rejection is the weapon to prove the character strength. We all get familiar with that feeling of luck of acceptance, love and warmness. We have to be aware that if one person goes away, another will come and all over again... There should not be any fear of being left by ourselves because we are lonely anyway, but we are surrounded by beloved people who can share their love with us if we only open ourselves to it. Being in Florida means being exposed on all possible temptation which lead to loose the track of our destiny. Every day we have to remind ourselves what are we here for and if we keep rolling on the same rode nothing is going to district us from the path we are walking on.
My wife just came back yesterday from West Virginia, from the meditation. She spent few days in Monastery to reflect on her life and purpose of being here. She detached from the surrounding to clearly see her path she discovered a time ago. Unfortunately sometimes we loose this track for a moment and we need consciously bring ourselves back on it no matter happens. The little distractions are highly recommended in order to break down the on going series of factors which are leading us nowhere. I am still involved in yoga teaching and dance performance. On 18 and 19 September there is the 'Earth dance' festival in Miami Beach I am going to be a part of, by doing the martial arts / contemporary dance performance http://www.earthdance.org/. Then on 26th September I've got the yoga dance workshop which I am working on right now. I've just started editing my yoga on boat film and as usual don't have enough time to focus on it. I've re injured my knee which swollen like a ball and can not really move. Just lying down on the couch and working on line on outstanding duties such as time table for my classes in London once I am back. I' feel overwhelmed by meeting new people and going out. I want to reset my mind and body. In fact my knee definitely is telling me something....

15 August 2010

I am in the middle of my holiday time in Florida, one and half month more to go before heading back home to London;( It's been such an amazing experience so far to be here. Even if my days are more or less pretty the same, each one brings something new and special. Whenever I wake up and go for swim to the beautiful and peaceful ocean after my 1 hour swim I either contemplate for a while floating on the surface of the water or just lying down on the edge of the ocean. The water keeps me up and moisturise my skin when it dries and gets hot. I'm lifted by this soft and salt liquid which allows me to let myself melt and be cared by the mother nature. In the morning the ocean usually is very calm and in the evening gets a little bit more ruff. But usually both the morning and evening are exceptional, give me a unique felling of being the part of the whole universe and being a drop in the water.... meaningfully. Whenever I deal with any sort of problem I get myself down to the basic and immerse underneath the water which resets my body and mind. The ocean is the best healer after the yoga and dance or maybe they are equal. The meditation in motion (movement meditation) is the best experience ever. Let my mind connect with the body and the other way around on the level of total abstraction. i can attach and detach whenever I feel like. I go with flow, relax my limbs, joins and muscles, open my mind to unknown and i am already drifted in the fluid of thoughts and images spread around. I take them away when they come back and all over again I keep the same pattern.
After I came back from West Palm Beach and Boca Raton (Mid...North Florida) where I stayed with my friend. I lost my mobile and Ipod, and I haven't found them since then. I am not rushing to get them back as I know it has happened for a reason.... It's so nice to be disconnected from outworld and get in touch with it only when I really need it. Of course I've still got left my mac so I can communicate with an entire world but it's my choice when I want to do so. Somehow having less and less makes me feel happier and lighter. I realise that I really don't need that much. Every time in my life, either spiritual or physical experience give certain meaning to my existence and the way I want to live. Somehow I am not a person who like a common life style, the family, house and car. I've never been bonded to this sort of life, even if I really wanted. Somehow my path is different, and I love following my wild instinct and intuition of researching unknown. I open myself to the life and I let it in in the right moment. It doesn't matter where I am but definitely the beautiful and warm nature says for itself. Somehow it's so therapeutic for my mental and physiological state, I am addicted to the nature, ocean, sand, sun and moon. i could be in the forest, mountains, river and sea. i could be an animal, bird, butterfly. i could be the air, earth and water, and I am the fire. I've recently read at friend's place this astrology's book about signs in relationships of the couple. And I obviously checked out sagitaritus-sagittarius correlation. And I found out that we are the perfect couple I mean both Sagittarius (me and my partner). First of all we would never get bored because we love challenging each other no matter it is. When we get upset with each other we struggle to apologise but we get over it as soon as we finished to fight. We just behave again as nothing has really happened. The only issue we should take on board while being together is never get separated, as we can easily forget about each other. I feel like I want to be with my second half wherever i go in order to share the beautiful moments with him. However if it's not the case because of different reason I find it also really rewarding to explore our own worlds for the time being we are not physically together, but our hearts are still next to each other and they beat with the same paste no matter where we are;) this is me, I miss my second half, but I also know that it's there and waiting for me whenever I need it.
I facebooked on the public wall my friend who was on his way to pick me up and had to turn back in the middle of his way as I postponed the meeting. Of course I shared it with the whole world as I wasn't sure what I was doing on my Ipod. And guess what? As soon as my partner found out about it called me telling how sorry he was for the guy....
The next day concerned by what happened I went with my friend to this typical american fish restaurant (http://www.rusticinn.com/index.html) where they serve lobsters, crabs and all related sea food. We had got some fish and crabs legs, really delicious. The night before I dinnered with my friend and her family in their house (Boca Raton - very porch jewish area in Florida) and we were treated with huge american lobsters. Really incredible experience. It's not that i've never tried lobster before, as I had lots of them in my life, but each place has got different lobsters species and this was really great.
A couple of days ago I went to yoga studio 'Synergy's event where took the place the meditation, arc yoga demo and belly dancing performance. This is the place where I actually teach yoga dance and other yoga classes, I am also preparing the yoga dance workshop: (http://www.synergyyoga.org/yoga-teachers/joana-puchala/)
Joanna Puchala

Joanna is a passionate contemporary dancer and yoga practitioner. During 10 years of yoga, pilates and dance practice she created her own technique which fuses all these stiles. Her classes consist also of different yoga types such as Ashtanga, Hatha, Trance Yoga Dance.
Her contemporary dance background allows her to incorporate different ways of movement in yoga practice. Her classes represent flow, release and dynamic movement with emphasis on strengthening core muscles and releasing back and shoulders tension. Yoga practice enriched by the music and dance gives a unique experience to the participants, make them revitalise the energy and stimulates their mental and physical activities.
Yoga styles:
Yoga and Dance
Class schedule:
Fri. 6:30pm


I met few people there and one of them was a martial artist. We met up the net day and spent half of it on sharing the martial arts on the beach, thai chi and chi conodo, then we proceeded with the energy transfer between both channels through the massage and reiki. Today on the beach we are going to try to do the contemporary dance fusion with martial arts (sticks. kunkwu) and acro yoga (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0w-yB20UKY&feature=fvw)
In the meantime this morning after I finished to swim and I was drifting on the water's surface I opened my eyes and I saw a very big size human being who started the conversation. It turned out that he's been a world champion in king boxing for 12 years and he is still competiting (http://fredtheiceman.com/html/iceman-bio.html).... just getting to be ready for the next comeptition in Las vas in 2 months time. And later on after my skype conversation with my american best friend we found out that it was the same person who was asking her out some time ago. He'd got a hang over after last night out, as he is not used to any kind of alcohol, after six martini based cocktails he almost passed out. He was dealing with his hung over while he invited me for breakfast. So we had got a hudge breakfast on Lincoln road and we agreed that I will join him while he is training as I need to do work out on my knee and get ready for my dance training after 2 months of break. I mean I still keep actively training myself but it's not as efficient as it should be. I need to have at least 6 hours training a day and I do half of it now. Mostly because of my knee problem, which is keeling me now. Even if I ice it every day after the work out the pain is great. I need to find the way to heal it. Yesterday's energy exchange was really good to relief the pain. After that I reached an incredible flow in the movement and flexibility without using any strength. It's like a foldenkrais technique. After las tnight yoga own practice I watched this wonderful movie recommended by my friend to me and to all of you who read it. It's a mastery piece of art: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WR7yzPLXNAM&feature=related
Whenever you feel like disconnect from the hectic life turn on this wonderful movie 'ashes and snow' with the animals, water and human in motion. It's an experience to watch it, you clear your mind and relax your inner self. it brings you to a different dimension.

10 aug 2010

I'm in the hotel breakers in west palm beach. It's been built in 19 century and influanced by Italian atchitecture. It's such a wonderful place with incredible style. I'm not a big fun of luxural places  but sometimes it feels really good to be sorrounded by high quality and classy enviroment. But the women are fake as everywhere near by palm beach and talk about nothing else but clothes. how borring must be their world full of gadgets and money... I went for a bike ride along the cost and I spent wonderful time on the disert beach far away from sky grapers and croud. Along the cost of West Palm Beach are incredibly expensive proprieties. Each house has got a little house across the road on the beach. I found it really unique. Basicly most of midle class couldn't sureley afford the tiny house while the owners of west palm beach proprieties own both the mega residence and the little beach house. While I'm writing i am sitting in the most buetiful hotel breakers. 

I just got to my friends place and we watched the yoga ashtanga primary series, which we practiced next day. 

As soon as I woke up I did my swiming in the swiming pool and the 2 h yoga ashtanga practice with pritty good teacher. I and my friend are staying in a really nice place in Florida - Boca Raton just for a couple of days at least I am.  She needed a break from south beach and I followed he. I was supposed to come back home next day but somehow I felt like being lazy and just relax one more day. I've even postponed 4 yoga classes on its behalf. I wasn't earning any money anyway so I allowed myself to have a short holiday.
I am going to watch movie: 'Paris je t'aine' and read book: 'change your brain change your life'. 

1 august 2010

And here we go....it's been one month since I've arrived to Miami and I really feel like at home here. I run my yoga classes on the beach and in the studio, I might start collaboration in the dance studio by teaching contemporary dance. I've just got yesterday meeting there. I also might start working as a yoga therapist. I've rescheduled my timetable after I realised that I've got too tired after getting every morning at 7am, running to the studio or beach to teach and having only 1 or 3 people coming. I decided to structure my professional time in Miami Beach in the way that I can teach just few classes to cover my expenses and the rest of time dedicate to studies of yoga therapy for depression, anxiety, stress, anatomy and psychology. Whatever course I undertake in London from October it will be related to this field so better to take advantage of having a bit of time to study now. I swim every morning and evening, once a day I take a community yoga class in the miami studio (vinyasa power sweating like a beast) http://www.miamiyoga.com/index.html (3-4.30pm) with the future yoga trained teachers. I walk along the beach, read 'Women who run with the wolves' by clarissa pinkola estes and all bunch of books purchased by my friend for example:
*Full Catasophre Living-Jon Kabat-Zinn
Trauma and the Body-Pat Ogden
*Yoga for Depression-Amy Weintraub
Mindfulness in Plain English-Bante Guanaratana
On Becoming a Person-Carl Rogers
*The Relaxation Response-Herbet Benson
*How to Use Herbs, Nutrients, and Yoga in Mental Health Care-Richard Brown and Patricia Gerbarg
The Anatomy of Hatha Yoga David Coulter
'healing depression the mind -body way' nancy libeller, sandra moss
'the body remembers' the psychology of trauma and trauma treatment' babette rothschild
'traumatic stress' the effect of overwhelming experience on mind, body, and society; Bessel A. Van Der Kolk, Alexander C. McFarlane, Lars Weisaeth
'Cognitive Neuroscience' The biology of the mind, michael s. gazzaniga, richard b. ivy, george r. mangun

and watch fantastic anatomy's lectures on line:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gv0VcUWAaQw&feature=PlayList&p=9A701D54E8896D0E&playnext=3

this is all I do here...;) and I am back to my happy and peaceful mind. I fully recovered from my previous break down assumed a couple of months ago in London.

A couple of days ago when we went out, on the way back from the unsuccessful night clubbing , during which we met average people, we bumped into the MIami University's Professor of Meteorology and Physical Oceanography - David S. Nolan, who researches the hurricanes, and his friend a doctor from Harvard University. No physical interest at all at least from mine and my friends prospective, the only intellectual stimulaters were pretty strong in order to continue the future friendship. Let's see what happens but it would be nice to meet them and talk about the since and medicine....;) I know that I am getting slightly pathetic but this is the ageing sign ;)

FLorida 25 July 2010

It's been almost one month since I've been in Florida. Miami Beach became much more familiar and the life over here seems like home. I feel much more grounded and part of this place even though I don't feel any deeper connection in terms of willing to live here. I've got 2 more months to go and i will dedicate this time to yoga teaching in the studio and on the beach, film editing of my previous performances and on line london's festivals research to set up future performances when I am back in London in October. It's nice to have time to put all the thoughts in one and manage the emotions which were breaking down just short time ago. I feel relief now, I came back to my daily yoga practice and I want to come back to dance. I feel like my mind is not wondering around as it used to few weeks ago, my vision is settled up and ready to take off with new ideas and creativity. Lots of things to do, for instance I would like to set up my yoga workshop over here in Miami Beach, at least twice. I am going to teach on the beach few classes (4), as well in the studio (4). And hopefully I will get some private sessions which would cover my living costs over here. A part from that I am happy to live my beach and ocean time and in the meantime go to Boston, New York and Disneyland. Then I am done and can head back home to London;)
Yesterday we came back from my friend's grandparents visit in western Florida and on the way back we went to native americans reservation to see how the population used to live, it was pretty touristy place and after that we went for airboat tour to see the alligators. I enjoyed the most the boat speed when we went across the water vegetation, we saw some alligators but I think they were artificially brought there by staff. It didn't impress me, but the alligator's show later on was funny. Of course I shouldn't enjoy some guy jumping on top of poor alligator but somehow I didn't feel any compassion for that animal as I think he hasn't been bothered by the demonstrator at all. It was just a part of his daily routine. What else this alligator could do for all day long unless he wasn't involved in the game with humans. We had got a lunch in one of typical american restaurants by the rode, where they make BBQ. But instead of BBQ, we had got fried food (crocodiles bites) after which I was sick on the way back home. It was a hell to drive while I was dealing with incredible stomach-ache. Somehow I got to the supermarket where we were about to do some food/grocery shopping and that was it, I've got to the toilet and stayed there for half an hour, it was such a relief to get there on time;) Today is Sunday - day off and I allow myself to do whatever comes to my mind even if it means being lazy and doing nothing. I just want to do what I love. Saying that I don't remember when was the las time I did something I didn't enjoy. Usually all my life is a pleasure and following the dreams;) well I am going to do some film editing and I'm off to swim later on....

welcome to the country of gold

28 June 2010 America welcome....
A little croissoont and tiny cup of coffee on board of airfrance makes the beganning of my three months journay with destination in Florida. Living in the city of London doesn't mean it's easy to take off. I've spent all night sleeping at the airport to take my very early morning flight to Paris. I m necked....

And here I am in the city of love-in transit. Only when the crew memeber anonced my destination to Miami I've realised that I am actualy going to Florida. its the beginning of journey to America. I am going to unknown but somhow I feel very safe as I am going to visit my friend. I am kind of happy to be welcomed by someone I know as usually I'm tent to travel to places where I have no clue who I am going to meet on my way and where I am going to end up. This is propably the sign of being grown up. I feel like I need to take my life easy and just enjoy every moment of it without constantly rushing around. I am glad to come to such a conclusion after years of crazy adventures. Nothing really amazes me much, I feel like 100 years lady who loved 100 lives. 20 years ago I was dreaming about traveling and acting. And here you go, since then my journey began and during that time I traveled around the world and eventuly discovered the biggest love of my life...dance and not only;) now I don't need to run anywhere, I've reached the happiness and satisfaction even if it's just the begaing of this journey...

8 July 2010
It took me a while to get used to the place, although I think I felt like at home as soon as I've arrived. My friend came with her friend to pick me up from the airport and I was driven along the miami to reach the south beach. it turned up that we are living in the heart of miami beach surrounded by ocean from both sites so we can admire both the sun rise and sun sat over the sea. its like being on the boat in the middle of the ocean where no matter happens sun rises and sats in the same water. Since one week I set up our www.yogaonmiamibeach.com company for homeless and whoever wants to join by donation. it was hard to run it in order to such a miserable weather. as it's a raining season almost every morning there is a big tropical fall of water. At least I can swim, in fact I shouldn't be practicing yoga at all considering my badly inflamed knee. This time something whirled has happened as I've got some cyst on it and it really harts. I hardly can walk and I keep practicing yoga and swimming every day. Anyway Miami welcomed me with all its beauty. Panoramic ways remains me of Caribbean and economic-ways is America I could imagine. I am meeting my friend's friends and trying to get involved in some yogic studio. every morning and evening I am on the beach where I relax and swim and in the middle of day I am at home in front of computer trying to sort out little things connected to my various activities. I might do a little bit of advertising for yoga activity in miami and try to find some locations in london for future performances from october. local festivals in london would be the main goal. I was a bit anxious as soon as i arrived but now it looks like I kept my feelings control and ambitions are well managed by myself. We've been with my friend to her father's house in Boca Raton (moth of rat), him and his wife invited us to tai restaurant. it was very nice food and most of older habitants of that area come from rich jewish background, so the community is really solidly protected and strongly save.

12 July 2010
Food poison...I was supposed to teach today the trial yoga ashtanga class at Synergy studio in Miami Beach but my belly didn't agree on it so I stayed still. In couple of hours suddenly I've got a bad stomachache and i ended up in the toilette. I am not sure what it was caused by but I've got really sick and weak. Likely nobody turned up for the class so I didn't feel that guilty. Eventually later on I started feeling much better until I had some dinner. I am afraid that I might suffer again this night as I ate the sour cream again and i think that was the main reason of my previous stomach problem. Anyway I'll spend a night in the toilette because of my stupidity and learn for the future;(
Every change in our life provokes different feelings and makes us feel miserable, I've also experienced it after I came to FLorida 2 weeks ago. When I thought I was established here for the summer, suddenly I started going through different mental stages. My mind was screwed up and I was struggling with my inner world. Couldn't really find myself in the middle of the american gold spring. I've been through my ups and downs and I couldn't figure out what was happening to me. I know the reason why its happening. As I haven't been practicing regularly yoga since one month after my head injury whole the emotional system started taking over my free spiritual life. I couldn't manage to control anymore negative feelings coming in and out. i was a mess and couldn't get out of it. I started reading the book about ' Relaxation response', practicing yoga on miami beach and watching it on line as I've got my knee re-injured, and finally I am coming back to normal. These changes of mood are threatening me as I am not used to them, my emotional and physical balance has been touched and I am about to rebalance my inner energy and physical capability. I am in Miami and I am trying to heal my knee and my head, I read about the psicology-meditation aspects, whats happening in the brain after something has got messed up , watch on internet ashtanga/vinyasa films to learn the ashtanga primary series and vinyasa flow. Basically it feels more like being in India than in America. But the life style here is much higher than there. I am not sure if its good or bad....I've set up my little community activity over here: www.yogaonmiamibeach.com. Yoga by donation on the beach, in fact the classes initially were supposed to be run every day 7.30-8.30am, and eventually I've changed it to tuesdays and thursdays classes 8-9am. In fact tomorrow I should be there-on the beach. i haven't advertised it yet so its always great excuse not to get up on time. Now I am not feeling great so I might skip tomorrow's class once again, but I'll try to get there and then swim as every day.

14 July 2010
The Yoga therapy for knee problems
As I've been struggling with a knee injury since three years I decided to do something about it. As I keep re-injuring myself each time I am in full physical activity I realised that I have to do research by my self how I can prevent the arising continues knee injury and related to it knee pain. As a dancer and a yoga teacher I've got pretty grounded anatomical knowledge so why shouldn't I use it in order to help myself and other millions of population struggling with similar problems to mine. Having lots of friends who are connected to the dance movement, yoga psychotherapy I am in good environment to build my own practice based on my own case which is the bad knee recovery. Below it's an article sent me by my dance partner, and it's very obvious especially for physical people but somehow we forget about the basic so easily. Just to remind about the quadriceps muscles importance in proper knee join function I thought that whoever is interested in the subject should take a 5 minutes and read what follows:

"Quadriceps Control of the Knee Joint

The quadriceps group of muscles form the major part of the bulk on the front of the thigh. Collectively these four muscles are the powerful, prime extensors of the knee joint but at the same time are vital for the stability and well being of the joint. Even if there is no wish to bounce around and so use the dynamic extensor role of these muscles, nevertheless it is important that they remain in good physical state or damage to the joint is likely to occur, whether at the time or in the long-run.

Anatomy of the Muscle Group
The name quadriceps means four heads but in this case, four individual muscles with a common purpose. Two of the four, rectus femoris and vastus intermedius, give the central power to extension of the knee, working through the patella as a lever, while vastus medialis and vastus lateralis assist in the extensor role but also give vital peripheral support to both movement and the joint itself.

Vastus intermedius is the largest of the four muscles. It is attached to and covers much of the front and sides of the femur. The central fibres run into the patella but on the two sides they convert into flattened tendon, or aponeurosis that run down on each side of the patella to the upper part of the tibia.

Rectus femoris runs down the thigh in front of the vastus intermedius and can easily be seen in a reasonably muscular person. It is the one part of the quadriceps that arises from the pelvis; immediately above the acetabulum of the hip joint. Because of this it is often said to be a flexor of the hip joint but in fact it has poor mechanical advantage over the joint, making it of minor importance in flexion under normal circumstances. Its prime role over the hip is in support of the joint, rather as a dynamic ligament. In practice the rectus muscle with the vastus intermedius, should be considered just as the power extensors of the knee. They both run onto the patella, from the lower end of which a thick, powerful tendon, the patellar tendon runs down into the tibial tubercle, the bony knob on the front of the upper part of the tibia.

The patella is usually called a sesamoid bone, i.e. a bone within a tendon where that runs over the major bone, not only reducing friction on the tendon but also lifting its line of pull, so improving the leverage and therefore efficiency. The patella is a very overgrown version, running over the lower end of the femur and so increasing the leverage of the quadriceps pull on the tibia. This is also improved by the tibial tubercle. The patella is always in relation with the lower part of the femur. With the knee straight it lies on the front, but as the knee bends it tracks round its lower end, its gently ridged under surface running in the groove between the two condyles of the femur. With the knee bent at 90 degrees the patella lies on the end of the femur and in full (grand) plié it is even further round. Because of the considerable movement of the patella on the femur, the patello-femoral joint has cartilage on both surfaces but the synovial membrane above also has to be quite extensive. This forms a pouch above the patella, under the vastus medialis and, with the knee straight, the supra-patellar bursa extends about three fingers breadths above the patella and controlled by a tiny slip of the intermedius muscle. The synovial membrane of the bursa unrolls as the knee is bent. It is this bursa that becomes filled with watery fluid, the so-called water on the kneee, in the synovitis of knee injury.

It is important to be aware that the femur and tibia are not in a straight line at the knee. Due to the upper end of the femur being set on the side of the pelvis the shaft runs centrally to the knee so that it meets the tibia at an angle; greater in a female due to the relatively wider pelvis. Thus, with the load of the body on the joint, the knee tends to be pushed medially towards a genu valgum (knock knee) unless effectively controlled, by pulling up of the muscles on the inside. As a result of the angle at the joint the line of pull of the muscles along the femur to the patella has to change to give a straight pull down to the tibia. If the patella does not have a compensating pull medially, it would move in line to the tibia: i.e. it would track or even dislocate laterally. This is in face a common problem; a spontaneous lateral dislocation of the patella is quite often seen in females, because of the greater angulation at the joint.

Vastus lateralis arises from the femur behind the vastus intermedius and runs down towards the outer side of the knee joint. It converts into an aponeurosis somewhat above the level of the patella where it joins that of intermedius over the outer side of the knee.

Vastus medialis runs down the inner side or the thigh, much as the lateral muscle. However it also has an oblique portion, arising lower down the thigh from the thick tendon of adductor magnus. This component forms the prominent bulge of muscle on the inner side of the patella, to which it is attached. In a way it can be considered almost as a separate muscle: it has its own branch of the femoral nerve that supplies the quadriceps. The oblique component is vital in ensuring that the patella tracks correctly over the femur and counteracts any tendency for a lateral shift. It acts in that important pull-up on the muscles on the inner side of the thigh that also control the tendency to knock-knee.

The lateral and medial muscles while, supporting the other two muscles in extension of the knee, also give valuable support to the inner and outer sides of the joint. In fact the quadriceps muscles together with the patella replace a joint capsule and ligaments over the whole anterior half of the knee joint . As such they are vital in producing stability in the joint. If they fail, as so often happens after injury or from disuse, synovitis (water on the knee) is most likely to occur. In the longer term degenerative and other problems of the knee can be put down to poor quadriceps control of the joint.

So important is it to ensure quadriceps control over the knee joint that anyone in hospital for more than the odd day is, where possible, given daily quadriceps exercises. Furthermore, even a minor problem around the knee joint automatically leads to central (i.e. the brain) inhibition of muscle control over the joint with rapid loss of muscle power and hence bulk. As an example a rugby-playing colleague of mine, some years ago, sustained a very minor knee injury and I suggested that he did not play the following week but keep exercising. At the end of a week he had lost an inch in circumference of the thigh, mainly due to loss of quadriceps muscle; this in spite of muscle activity.

Even after minor problems it is vital to try to ensure the quadriceps are kept as strong as possible. Firm regular pull-up of the quads, with the knee straight and held as hard as possible for a short time; repeated for about 5 minutes every hour should be the order of the day. This can be emphasised with the leg held out and a weight on the foot, to make the quads work even harder. Your whole future as a dancer (or even as a less physical person) depends on the control of the quadriceps over the knee; an otherwise unstable joint."

Later on I will build the yoga sequences connected to pilots exercises which will help to prevent the knee injuries and recover from them.

"Early operative treatment of combined anterior cruciate and medial collateral ligament injuries is possible without increased long-term mobilization complications. The rehabilitation period is long, and aggressive physiotherapy is recommended. However, nonoperative treatment of the torn medial collateral ligament allows faster restoration of flexion and quadriceps muscle power. Our results favor nonoperative treatment of the torn medial collateral ligament in patients with combined injuries."J Bone Joint Surg Am. 2009 Jun;91(6):1305-12.
Range of motion and quadriceps muscle power after early surgical treatment of acute combined anterior cruciate and grade-III medial collateral ligament injuries. A prospective randomized study.
Halinen J, Lindahl J, Hirvensalo E.
Department of Orthopedics and Traumatology, Helsinki University Central Hospital, Helsinki, Finland. jyrki.halinen@saunalahti.fi
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19487506

"Avoiding constant re-injury (you know it's happening, you feel the pain) is critical. Obviously, it delays the healing process, but even worse, every re-injury and additional healing cycle means increasedscar tissue build-up in the muscle and tendon. Scar tissue is hard, inflexible, and tough to get rid of. As scar tissue develops, you lose the range of motion in your knee. Also, the more scar tissue, the more likely you will suffer from chronic pain or arthritis later on. Scar tissue means that your knee doesn't perform as well as it once did and it makes it prone to further injuries again and again.
If you have an injured knee, it's very important to heal it quickly and completely. Incomplete healing of a knee injury means it may plague you forever."
http://www.mendmyknee.com/?REF=GMKneeContent

16 July 2010
I started collaborating with one of the Miami Beach yoga studio by teaching 3 times a week. I am not sure about these classes as they are new so there is no people, I am supposed to advertise them by myself. On top of that I am expected to do yoga karma in the office (for free). I don't feel it some how. I want to focus on my own things but I am afraid that luck of knowledge of this yoga market might slow down my own activity on the beach (yoga teaching). From the other hand I think I should give it a go and advertise this initiative by myself. I am bit stacked because of this kind of relationship with another studio. May be I just should let them know what my plans are to be fair with myself and them. What I really want is to set up yoga dance classes on the beach 3 times a week Monday, wednesday, Friday 6pm-7pm yoga dance by donation. This is what I am going to do!!!!!!

welcome back....

The feeling of heavy head and bloored vision are almost gone. The lightness is coming through the window of hope and the darkness is suttled up where its place just to be ready to take off whenever it's needed again to scrue the psiche up. Nevertheless the bad time seems to be going away and bringing the positivity into life again. The nightmares are released and replaced by dreamless nights. The colourful dreams are on their way.

I am surrounded by lots of friends, who are incredible helpful when I need help. Everyone is taking care of me and it's such an uplifting feeling. Until you don't need it you are not aware of how many people are around you and really care for you. Even if we feel sometime lonely we've got still soul mates around who give us support when we are looking for it. it's amazing that these wonderful people still exist......

I managed to go to see few dance performances in last three evenings and one of them was really special.
http://www.sadlerswells.com/standalonevideo.php?video=/assets/videos/63786503001,82868447001&show=2629&dp=1&show=2629&more=1
it seemed to be sited in the stable surrounded by cows, horses, dogs and frogs. The audio made of voices and noises with microphone in the mouth was pretty impressive and made the performance unique. It was one and half hour performance without interval, with shapeless dances. It attracted completely the whole audience's attention. It was impressive how little going on stage can make such a huge performance. For instance tonight performance of Richard Alston Dance company which has been celebrating its 40 years of existence was just boring. There was nothing except the shapes which were meaningless. The same steps, sequences, so predictable. I couldn't focus, i lost the track since the beginning. This is an example how careful the choreographer should be in order to create the master piece which will communicate with the audience. In this case it was pointless and empty. It was about dancers techniques and nothing else. I was starving for the story and some kind of connection but I haven't found it;(

what's then...?

I woke up with a feeling of being completely abandoned. I've experienced it time ago and I was in pain for at least one year. Is there any recipe to avoid it or reject it and just carry on with ones life. How painful it's to experience it. It makes me feel that the whole world collapsed and i am drown. I can not relax my mind, my thoughts are spinning around my head like crazy and I can not focus on single one. I'm completely absorbed by this sea of never ending worries which are bothering my brain. I hardly can manage to sleep...When I am awake the demon is coming back and occupying my soul. I don't want let him in but it's stronger then my own determination and gets into my brain anyway to shake it and mess it up. How much I wish to be free of it, I want to welcome the peacefulness and calmness. I want them to dominate my inner self. I want to be free of negative energy and fulfilled with the positive one which was always part of my path. Where am I going now? How to stop that devil from ruining my life, how to push him away to become normal again. I've got a plan ...we all know what it means like the whole world is collapsing, it's like we are pushed away from the edge of the river and going with strong current towards the highest water fall where if we don't catch the edge we are going to be taken by for ever. We'll never ever manage to come out of the river and will be prisoned in its depth for ever. To be able to get out of the river we must take a challenge and with all the mental strength we've got we have to catch the tree branch and embrace it with all the determination we've to avoid the powerful river's current to take us with its spring. Whatever is caused by the mother nature affects our immune and nerve system. We can not function without that connection which is our biology and we have to do everything to follow the nature but also follow the power of mind. Whatever happens in our brain is not just chemical reaction of outside receptors it's our own imagination, our mental projection of facts we unconsciously don't want us to happen. Unfortunately human ability of negativity absorption is so strong that instead of making positive things happen we stimulate the negative energy and provoke the bad things happen as we projected in the first place. Brain will follow our thoughts and that's why we have to be careful about over analysing some facts which not necessary must take place. Why are we scared of positive projection which makes us happy straight away? Why would worries overwhelm our selves and make us feel useless and deeply depressed? Sometimes I've got impression that the medicine in spite of being hugely advanced in real life is pointless because leaves us with the emptiness and completely unaware of what's going on within our body and mind. I'm still convince that the blog's writing is the best tool to help ourselves when we feel completely abandonment in the middle of nowhere.

who am I...?

Every day I wake up I am a different perdon. Each time I am asked for my personal profile info I can not just copy and paste from different page. Every second of my life I am a different person. Today I am frustrated millionaire, tomorrow I am happy but poor dancer. Each time when I look into the mirror I see somebody else with different age, colour of skin and hair. I lost my identity since I was born and how can I say who I am. I know my official name, though I've got so many nick names, I know my profession nevertheless I've got 1000 of these. I am PR, PA, GM, I am a housewife, I am a cleaner, I am a yogi, I am a dancer. I am all that. I am sitting in the chair, I am lying in the bed no matter wether it's the darkness or lightness, I am lonely, I am in the centre of universe's attention, I am faithful, I am a cheater, I am sober, I am drugged, I am conscious, I am completely lost, I am here, I am death, I am alive, I am there. I am from Venus, I am from Mars, I am a dancer for life, I am a looser for death, I am present on earth. I am a kid of the god, I am a sister of demon, I am a daughter of evil, I am a partner of hell, I am a friend of heaven, I am an enemy of myself, I am a mess of frustration, I am a power of the sun, I am a sadness of the moon, I am completely out of the blue.....

love's ode:

Recently we've been through the battle accusing each other of our rights and faults. I know that it's not easy time for both of us especially for you. I apologise for making you feel guilty of not dedicating me enough time or not doing enough for me. I am very thankful for all you've done and I really appreciate it. I would probably need a little bit more attention from you now when I feel really down after my injury. Though I don't want you to be overwhelmed by my problems and don't want you to get distracted from your..... I am normally not very needy person, but at the moment I am going through very funny time probably due to that injury. I'm struggling to put all the puzzles into one bit. I feel like I am drowning down in a deep water and I can not find the emergency exit. I've got support in you, my friends and family so you don't need to worry about me. I'll be back to balance soon (hopefully;). I want you to know as I said already that I want to continue the never ending battle with you till the end of my life. Hopefully it will come soon, otherwise I'll turn into total mess...;) Which means I want to live a peaceful life with you no matter happens. I am not scared of anything in order to keep connection between you and me. I am ready to face the problems and insecurities due to our culture differences (even if I don't experience any, for first time in my life I feel deeply connected to your roots)... It's impossible to fall in love with a perfect one, because someone like that doesn't exist. Even though it would be so boring to have everything sorted out and having no reason to fight for the best. What's really important in our relationship is to remember how much we care for each other, how strong our feelings are to be able to reject what's against us. It's up to us to decide our own destiny.....we are going to live with the person we choose but nobody else. In order to be happy do we need to come from the same background? If it was our last moment in our life would it be really the case? Shouldn't we take a risk and live fully without any worries and doubts of tomorrow? Shouldn't we just fully enjoy the moment and be together with all love we've got for each other? We live in 21 century with freedom to express our needs without any restriction. Shouldn't we take it as a challenge and make it our life's role? Why must the roles be always negative? We can create our own roles which make us stronger and happier. I hope our feelings are powerful enough to fight against the wall which society builds between us. I am not superstitious and I am aware of consequences of living with you, even thought I still want to take the risk of being with you ..... I love you enough to continue the battle against the obstacles ....

a messy dancer with economic background.......

I started dance very late although it was already a part of myself since I was born. By that time I didn't know about it and I choose completely different carrier path and became an economist. I searched for the form of my own expression for quite a while, it took me approximately 30 years to decide what I want to do as grown up. Even then it wasn't that clear. I presume it's the whole process through different life stages to make it happen and follow your own path. The insecurity of tomorrow is the only restriction we all put on ourselves to have excuse that's the only reason why we are stacked and unhappy. The truth is that if we are scared we will never push the boundaries in order to get where we wish to go. The matter of our existence is to live a moment and enjoy it. Why is much easier instead live the past and further and make our life hell through the unnecessary negativity we are projecting on our own request. The reason i started this blog...story.... book is to do my own self analyses and share it with whoever happens to read me. I am struggling with making myself clear in my life in terms of relationship with others and with myself. I've got pretty big self-esteem, however when I find time to rest and relax I am going through incredibly complicated thoughts battle against myself and others. I can not stop being negative and judgemental, I'm nasty and intolerant with surrounding. I blame the world for my unhappiness at that moment and can not see the light at the end of the tunnel. When I run like a crazy I forget about any single worry and I go towards my destination to touch the dream and make it happen. The dream is so clear to keep creating the contemporary dance theatre pieces and performing them nationally and internationally. I want to extend my dance company and work on projects full time. There is nothing can stop me from this aim. As I said before I was born with this idea, it took me only 30 years to discover it. I am hesitating to reach the main stage so quickly that I forget about the consequences of rushing too much. In fact when I am about to collapse it's already too late to put everything on hold and continue when it's appropriate. I make myself completely exhausted that I can not handle it any logger, and then I collapse and I m run out of energy, I feel emptiness. The recovery usually is not that long, it takes proximately few weeks but the intensity is pronounced. it messes all my life and chops into the puzzles, which is so hard to put back into one image. I know it from autopsy and I should be smart enough to go over it but I can not, each time I make the same mistake. I give fully myself in whatever I do and then I loose control on what I am supposed to be doing. I go over the physical and mental limits which causes the stress and pain within my body and soul. My heart is blooding so my body is. I am in such a beautiful relationship with someone who I admire and appreciate, but I came to the point of break down of myself and the relationship. I would like to stop pushing my self destructivity and control my emotions and changes of mud to avoid the further and more painful consequences of separation caused by myself. May be it's not just me to control it, may be I am right and my instinct is telling me that I should walk away, but in the meanwhile I can not, I believe in us and I want to keep it. I don't want to let us go and give it up. I want to fight for us and overcome my irritation and anxiety I am going through at the moment. I am about to live in two weeks time to Florida to visit very good friend of mine who is a yoga therapist. She is organising her own teaching certificate for yoga teachers specialised in therapy for mental health , anxiety and depression. I would like to help her with preparation. I also would like to develop my own course of yoga dance. I've created my own yoga dance fusion which combines the elements of contemporary dance enriched by yoga asanas. I teach it common people but I would like to get involved in the yoga dance training the professional dancers who can teach my style. I believe that's help to release the day to day tension, improve the blood circulation, release the toxins and bring the positivity into ones life. I don't want to convince anyone through any particular medical terminology to impress, I just want to transmit my passion and love for what i do in my private and professional life by 'dancing my heart out and letting my soul in'. I've got pretty clear ideas about my life in general. I want to carry on with yoga courses development for other teachers, I want to continue my Jawaf Dance Theatre company and Las Chicas Production Dance Theatre, I want to edit my yoga on board and yoga dance series available on line. I keep developing my companies on my own but I have to start employing others to be able to focus more on creative tasks and performance. I've got 2 weeks in the UK to start working on my Jawaf Dance Theatre website, edit the trail for yoga on board and 'voices 4 change' for las choices production. From the beginning of October 2010 I have to start 4 times a week rehearsals: twice x 3 hours ' voices 4 change' to extend it up to 1 hour repertoire, and Jawaf Dance Theatre: twice a week x 3 hours rehearsals - extend the piece with Ana up to 45 min. The community dance project also will take a place: once a week 3 hours. It will make my whole week full of work and additionally to it I have to earn some money through yoga and dance teaching classes (at least (5 x week). I need to find the rehearsing space for at least 5 times a week x 3 hours; apply for local authority founds and study Physical Theatre Postgraduate degree (once a month x 2 days), Yoga therapy for mental health, depression and anxiety, pilates certificate (once a week). I really need 3 months break in Florida to get ready for the beginning of next scholar year 2010/2011. I am off to Florida in 2 weeks time and the preparation begins.....Hasta Luego !!!!!!

Florida Time;)

London, 13 June 2010
its a time to leave everything behind and go ahead into the unknown. I am flying to Florida at the end of June for 3 months. I am not sure how long I am going to be there for but at least my return ticket expires after the end of September. I don't feel right now very excited about it because I am overwhelmed by my previous dance project, I've got a head injury and I am still recovering from that. I feel depressed and anxious. I don't know where to go. i am upset with myself and can not live my live within my relationship. Everything annoys me and makes me feel claustrophobic. I don't see any more sense in being in relationship with someone who doesn't participate in my live. I feel drilled of energy and sparkle. I am dying....How desperate I am for someone who would like to be a part of my life and actually share it with me. I made my performance last Friday 4th June 2010. Las Chicas Production came out with a new distractive piece ' Voices 4 change' which i can feel till now. I am not certain what really affect my such a bad mud since then but I can not gather my thoughts and balance back to normal. I can not do any physical activity since I fell down on my head, but even worse my physical state of mind is pretty much affected by over-stress I presume. I am falling apart, my body is separated, my mind is somewhere else, who am I. When I've been to the hospital the doctor told me that I broke my neck and I need to be immobilised until they do all the analysis. he scared me to death, I thought that I passed away for a second. I wasn't sure what was happening, but unconsciously I didn't believe him. In fact later on he realised that I was born with dodgy neck and they let me go. I am not in perfect shape thought, I am a mess. I've been at the cinema with my best friend to watch the sex and the city 2. it wasn't very exciting at the beginning but eventually got better - of course if we talk in categories of the best banal movies. Even that wasn't completely pointless to follow. In fact they touched very simply and day to day life problems like relationships and family problems. if we've got children we don't have time for partner, if we've got partner we get easily bored because there are no more challenges. it's a closed circuit, which doesn't go anywhere. I've been through the tough time because after being very busy and not having time to reflect, suddenly I sat down or lied down and started thinking, analysing, and over analysing. I think it's time to come back to hectic life so I can completely detach from silly and pointless thoughts. even though if they appear may be it's a time to move on. where should I go a part from Florida. I've been pushed towards that direction, who knows why...? the time will show soon. now it's time to be an adult again and don't show too much weaknesses which are coming out after the head injury trauma I've experienced recently;)

Southbank centre-workshop for professional dancers 9 may 2010 - real time composition

Real Time Composition
The method of Real Time Composition has been developed and systematized by João Fiadeiro since 1995. Its main framework originally came from the need to create a system of composition that could be shared by his collaborators during creative processes. It then developed as a tool to explore modalities of dramaturgic writing within the dance field, and is currently studied, developed and used by several artists and researchers alike. Since 2005, the method of Real time Composition has been used as a means of placing the territory of research in the wider dance context focusing on the concepts of “decision” and “representation” and broadening that understanding to encompass multi- disciplinary practice. The method has been strongly influenced by recent advances carried out within scientific fields such as neurobiology, computer sciences, philosophy of language, cognitive linguistics amongst others.

Www.joaofiadeiro.blog.spot.com

It's about being detached from thinking and creat the structure in creative process.
Metacognition - multiple choice of possibilities of actions
Edge of collapse- being aware of loosing, sth can end and we have to start once again.
For instance I've made for 2 hours notes and in one second I lost all by pressing the 'delete' button. So I started again.
All artists must be always ready to take challange and start it again.
We need to come out of the fear of future to be able to create freely. We can change paradigmat to accept a new place.

'We miss what we are not looking for'
'we fear of edge of collapse' - no expectation of the future. Acceptance of the real time creation.

How to read an event?
We should avoid the third people patterns repetitions.

We should be looking for unknown-go out of the comfort zone. Let habits and fears go. Detouch from obvious things.

'How to be an image but not represent it'-we have to avoid representations.
Loop-paradigmat

How to distanse from the image /content expectation? Detouch from the strong feelings of predjudice and presumption. We should not represent what to do but do our action independently from the image.

We can only see the real things if we let go other thoughts comected to it in our mind. We have to go out of box in order to see easy solutions.
Firstly we must construct the comen direction and then work with it.

Phisical saturation point-loop is reason to change, the end of sth.
We can change paradigmat and then come back to the previouse action.

Ken Robinson
Abramovich

The immediate idea
Read the situation
Hypothesis of possibilities
Competition
When, how,where

This is such an obvious though of using our brain in commen way. We tend to overanalise the meaning of action so we loose the intuitive capabilities of finding the sympliest solutions. We have to understand that we are the actors on stage, nobody would belove in our real emotions.

'Follow the pattern without going into loop'

Bringing to presence which is the past or future

When you change paradigmat it's difficult to come back again.
Only central and not perifical vision. We should always stick to the pattern and build up from there. Once the pattern has been made the only question is the future whatelse it's going to happen.
Change blindness - seeing different patern withouth denying it.
Get out of the tube-solving the problem.
Piece-the centre-the though

DANCE discussion panel's participants:

Dance4,
Brussels -dance theatre, rosas, sring dance
Austria, dance works
Choreographer, academic researcher,
Freelance dance writter (guardian)
Sue-Sivan Davis - insight experiencing movement, choreographer, artistic director.

'Gustavia'

'You can create the dance house if you keep walking the dance lines' (Aborigines)-it's about time.

Sanjoy@lineone.net
The dance writter. Email him the info about Brockley max festival and LCP Piece.

Siobhan Davis : 'she places her work as a vital force within the dance and dance as a vital force within the arts'

Www.museedeladanse.org

8 May 2010 London

It takes a little while to explore the whole London. In fact so far it took me almost 6 years to do so and i am still learning. I am on my own for couple of weeks as my BF is in Alaska and I've got all the time for myself. It wouldn't really matter at all if he is away or not because we don't see each other very often anyway. But somehow it makes a difference. Maybe the mental fact of having exclusivity on all the time and space I am occupying and living. I've managed to do so many outstanding things in a meantime and today it was my culture day. on the way back from 37degrees gym i stopped for lunch just near by tower bridge and participated the fair trade event. They were promoting the fair trade products - healthy food from the third world countries. On my way back home I visited Barbican and I went to Ron Arad's exhibition http://www.barbican.org.uk/ronarad
it was very good one, all sort of different shapes and designs of sits, chairs, sofas...really impressive ones. next time I would like to see the birds exhibition, which is apparently one of the main events in Barbican http://www.barbican.org.uk/artgallery/event-detail.asp?id=9713
To conclude my culture exploration on miserable rainy and freezing Sunday I went to see a miserable dance performance. At least at the beginning I had got such a feeling, likely later on i changed my mind. It was pretty good performance considering variety of different emotions I was going through the whole 2 and half hour performance (marie chouinard) http://www.sadlerswells.com/show/Marie-Chouinard
http://www.mariechouinard.com/flash.html
An organic and organised inquiry into the foundational wavelength.

'My source has always been the body itself, and especially the silence and the breath which make up the “invisible” stuff of life. At the root of each new work there is always what I call the “mystery”, an unknown wavelength that calls out to me in an almost obsessive manner. My work consists of capturing this primordial wavelength, of “tuning” it in a sense, and of arranging it in space and time with a structure and form proper to it. Since 1978, this is what I have been doing: listening attentively to the vital pulsation of the body to the point of crystallising it in a new order. Each time, I start afresh from zero. Each time, I focus and re-direct my “antennae”, I seek out a new “state”, I track this wavelength until everything is in line, like in a reinvented classical structure in which, I hope, the viewer’s own “mystery” will be revealed to her'.

Marie Chouinard
2000

I find it difficult to explain what it was about. I've got impression of being in the middle of psycho and special needs people hospital. The people on the half crunches, imitating the physical and mental handicap, either insects or animals. The first part was tariffing me, the second awake very strong feelings and emotions. At the end I was very alerted and couldn't find the exact feelings I was experiencing. But I presume this what performing art should be about - to leave the audience with unexpected emotions. That was definitely my case after watching above performance.

Italia - Sicilia - la barca a vela 9,11,12,21,27,30 Agosto, 3 Settembre 2009

9 Agosto 2009

La crociera e’ iniziata a Napoli 9 giorni fa ed io , un po per pigrizia ed un po perché troppo presa a godere ogni attimo di questa nuova avventura; piccola ma, tanto desiderata; non ho avuto tempo e voglia per scrivere nulla. Del resto questo non vuole essere un vero diario di bordo ma il desiderio di fissare nella mente le cose belle che “spero” verranno. In effetti, a parte il piacere del mare e della barca che vivo intensamente, quella che mi si presenta e’ una convivenza con persone che non conosco in un microcosmo come la barca che esalta ogni manifestazione e nel quale e’ davvero difficile ritrovare il proprio spazio se non c’e’ molta sintonia, unione e lo stesso modo di “sentire” e vivere le cose. Comunque fin qui tutto bene , gli ospiti Federico e Maria sono due persone serene e piacevoli e il comandante Roberto mette chiunque a proprio agio; soprattutto…me!
Siamo ad una delle isole egadi; Favignana; ormeggiati nel porto e con ‘ultimo traghetto, e’ arrivata Lucia; insieme a lei una marea di gente. Ormai siamo in una piena stagione, tutte le aziende chiudono in Italia e arriva una valanga di turisti. Qui alle egadi non e’ un grande problema, c’e una tipologia di turismo locale siciliano e nonostante la tanta gente , si continua a sentire i profumi isolani e vivere nello stesso modo. Ieri sera appena arrivati sull’isola ci siamo ancorati in una baia (Cala Rossa) con un splendido colore turchese che traspariva dal fondo del mare. Il mare era abbastanza mosso e un po di sporcizia arrivava a riva, però tutto sommato era molto bello, se paragonato alla follia di barche che si sono ormeggiate stamattina. La solitudine e la pace cambiano ogni panorama e lo rendono irreale anche in condizioni oggettivamente meno belle. La venuta di Lucia e’ stata festeggiata, tutti insieme, con due linguine al polipetto fatte da nostro preziosissimo Comandante Parmiggiano. Poi Mentre Maria e Federico sono andati in cuccetta per riposare, io, Roby e Lucia siamo scesi a terra per fare due passi, cercando qualche localino notturno dove si potessero fare due salti. Purtroppo l’unica discoteca era gia partita a bordo di una nave, mentre noi cenavamo. Non siamo riusciti a salire a bordo e meno male perche vista da lontano e poi sentita da vicino ci faceva proprio pena; all’inizio pensavamo ad una festa privata a bordo della barca ma poi ci siamo resi conto che era soltanto un pessimo tormentone per turisti per di piu’ a……pagamento. Tornando da terra dopo una passeggiata finalmente ci siamo fermati a prendere le granite in un baretto del porto e fare due chiacchiere. Sfortunatamente (per loro) io mi sono presa una granita al caffè, dopo di che non riuscivo a smettere di parlare e le “chiacchiere” sono diventate proprio tante. Poveri Lucia e Roby avevano un sonno pazzesco ma io non li ho lasciati stare e li ho costretti ad ascoltarmi . Si sono fatte le 3 e siamo rientrati a bordo. Nello stesso momento anche gli altri della discoteca galleggiante sono rientrati in porto e scesi a terra. Meno male che ci siamo persi questa cosa che a vederla adesso doveva essere una grande noia. Io come al solito ho dormito sotto le stelle e dopo 3 ore mi sono svegliata all’alba per andare con Maria a correre e scoprire l’isola. Stiamo diventando sempre piu’ brave a portare il gommone; le persone che ci guardano presto non rideranno piu’ di noi come le prime volte. Dopo essere sbarcate dal gommone nel porto ci siamo messe a correre. Facendo il lungo mare che è praticamente circondato dagli scavi di un paese sommerso tanti secoli prima di cristo. Siamo arrivate in un certo punto a una grotta fatta di pietra sabbiosa, tutta Bianca bella pulita. Sembrava un castello costruito dentro una roccia montagnosa che dava sul mare. Era una sensazione curiosa a cercare di provare le emozioni della gente che camminava su quel pavimento tante vite fa. Poi siamo rientrate correndo verso il paesino, abbiamo fatto colazione di spremuta d’arancio, cappuccio e cornetto (io). Abbiamo comprato le specialità gastronomiche siciliane, tipo arancini di riso, le pizzette, il pane, dei biscottini ecc. e poi, Dopo aver comprato I giornali e dei limoni siamo tornate al gommone. Mentre lo accendevamo non riuscivamo a mettere la retromarcia. In effetti c’erano due tipi sul pontile che ci davano indicazioni ridendo. Era uno spettacolo vederci manovrare con le mani in mezzo ai altri gommoni per evitare di usare la retromarcia della quale non eravamo molto pratiche. E anche queste volta ce l’abbiamo fatta, siamo tornate tutte belle contenta a bordo di Ydra 2 e non ci siamo neanche accorte che la barca era stata spostata mentre eravamo via – per un traghetto che doveva entrare nel porto e noi eravamo proprio li in mezzo………. tanto per cambiare (il nostro comandante sceglie le cose piu’ comode per tutti anche se spesso….proibite). Tutto sommato noi ci siamo divertite, gli altri membri dell’equipaggio si sono appena svegliati quindi erano belli riposati. E subito siamo partiti per ancorarci in una baia vicino per fare colazione (io e Maria abbiamo gia fatta in un bar) e fare due tuffi. Nel giro di mezz’ora la bellissima baia si e’ riempita di tante barche e noi siamo ripartiti per trovare un altro bel posto piu’ silenzioso e meno affollato. Ormai siamo viziati dal piacere della solitudine in mare e nelle baie perchè fortunatamente fino ad ora siamo riusciti a godere tutta la meraviglia dei posti e del mare in solitudine per conto nostro. Di nuovo in navigazione; il nostro comandante non fa mai riposare l’acqua intorno alla barca e cerca di offrirci sempre i posti piu’ belli. Destinazione Marettimo, Ancora 2 ore e mezzo di navigazione e faremo un bel pranzo siciliano con ….. non velo dico cosa, ma da leccarsi I baffi dopo averli bagnati con qualche “lacrima” di buon vino; come sempre del resto. Anzi vado a preparare l’insalata proprio………. Adesso!

11 Agosto 2009

Siamo ancorati al porto dei pescatori di Marettimo (Egadi) una fantastica isoletta, molto piu’ bella di favignana con un piccolo paese ben curato, abitato da gente cordiale e ancora non mutata dal recente turismo. I colori dell’acqua sono magici la trasparenza e il verde smeraldo dei fondali sabbiosi si fonde con l’azzurro intenso di quelli con gli scogli e coralli e riflette le dure pareti rocciose che ci si specchiano dentro in un susseguirsi di incantevoli paesaggi ed insenature. L’isola fa parte di una vasta area di riserva naturale che , come poi si capira’, il nostro comandante, avrebbe dovuto approfondire e conoscere meglio. Ieri abbiamo fatto il “c”iro del isola (in barca che dura circa 2 ore). La notte scorsa e’ trascorsa ancorati in rada davanti al porto che ci ha accolti in serata in un graziosissimo bar con terrazza dominante il porto. Tutti insieme per l’aperitivo che sta diventando una piacevole e socializzante abitudine; siamo proprio un bell’equipaggio; sempre in sintonia e pronti a sfotterci reciprocamente per ogni cosa “maldestra” che facciamo e per i difettucci di ciascuno dei quali ci prendiamo allegramente gioco. Risaliti a bordo ci siamo spostati verso la baia da favola che ci aveva accolti all’arrivo. E’ fantastico poter essere li nella solitudine a meta’ agosto, dormire sotto le stelle sentendo gli uccelli sulla terra e svegliarsi in questa meraviglia con l’acqua trasparente che sembra essere li ad attendermi. Tuffo nelle lucine delle stelle e una splendida cena a base di lingine al polipetto sempre ben “bagnato” dal vino. Poi tutti quanti crollati (dopo aver trovato bucata e vuota un’altra bottiglia). Io mi sono goduta la notte e il suo cielo stellato cullata dal mare e…..dai miei pensieri; una cosa meravigliosa! L’alba ha accolto il mio primo tuffo, come sempre, prima che si svegliassero tutti. Ci siamo spostati, nel nostro pelegrinare, in una baia ‘punta di troia’ della zona B dove sfortunatamente ci siamo beccati una multa di 200€. La guardia costiera semplicemente ci ha annunciato che in quella riserva naturale senza un permesso non ci si puo’ stare in rada. Tante le barche presenti che hanno tratto in inganno Roberto ma evidentemente erano autorizzate o ..pronte a pagare. Null’altro da fare che auguragli buon lavoro e buona caccia degli altri inconsapevoli rei di aver violato la riserva. Solo che non hanno messo da nessuna parte un’informazione su questo particolare. Neanche sul portolano (ma forse il comandante ha risparmiato troppo; ne ha uno vecchio di 7 anni). Pazienza….il danno ce lo faremo restituire in un’altra maniera. In effetti dopo quella rada ci siamo spostati in un’altra di fronte alle piu’ belle grotte che io abbia mai visto. Piazzata la barca al limite della zona consentita, questa volta “consapevolmente” ci siamo fatti un bel giretto all’interno delle grotte vietate. Io e Roby a nuoto, Lucia, Maria e Federico col gommone. Dei colori spettacolari riflessi dal cielo che spuntava dalla parte alta della roccia scavata la in mezzo. 3 spiaggette li dentro in tre diramazioni della grotta facevano uno splendido effetto. Ne ha beneficiato anche Ydra fotografata dall’interno.Tutto uno spettacolo!!!!! Poi una gran nuotata panoramica lungo la costa e nel rientrere sono quasi stata investita da una barca che mi veniva addosso senza vedermi in acqua mente nuotavo. Di solito mi rendo conto ma doveva esserci una forte corrente per non sentire il suo motore. Meno male; tutto bene, Federico dalla barca ha urlato a qull’altra barca della mia presenza e mi ha evitato. Questa sera niente filetti di …”Asia” a cena . Magari tra un po’ se continuo a mangiare come ho fatto fino ad ora (mica scherzo) verra’ fuori una ricca cenetta di carne e ……non mi salveranno piu’. A Roberto evidentemente non piaccio (almeno come cena) perche’ appena trovato un negozio mi regalera’ il pallone da sub per segnalare la mia presenza in acqua ed io ne faro’ il mio diligente cagnolino che mi seguira’ sempre. Dopo l’ancoraggio nell’insenatura del porticciolo dei pescatori siamo scesi tutti a terra all’ ormai “nostro” barettino ‘La scaletta’ a consumare un’aperitivo. Poi appena tornati a bordo dopo un po di spesa, Roby ha cominciato a cucinare lo spaghetto alla puttanesca con i calamari col quale ho aperto questa pagina del diario e intanto …altro aperitivo con spumantino e un insuperabile sushi di cernia che ci ha donato (si fa per dire) la pescheria a terra. Federico mi ha fatto il Reiki; E’ stata un’esperienza molto particolare assorbire l’energia dell’universo attraverso il canale d’energia offerto da Fede. L’ho collegato con la meditazione quindi sembrava di essere completamente sommersa nell’ essere qua e ora. E’ stato bello liberare la mente anche se non e’ molto impegnata devo ammettere.
Eccoci qua; pronti per conquistare un’altra isola delle Egadi: Levanzo. Questa vacanza mi sta davvero piacendo tanto; sto bene in barca, senza decidere nulla, faccio tutte le cose che amo e la mia mente per quanto rilassata lavora inconsapevolmente alla costruzione del mio futuro. Si parte alla …………conquista!

12 Agosto 2009

Oggi e’ stata dura per me (e per quanti mi erano vicina). Non riuscivo controllare le mie emozioni, ero carica di energia negativa, non riuscivo a fermarmi, ero proprio acida e, credo di esserlo ancora; per fortuna riesco ad ammetterlo a me stessa e questo vuol dire che…….ancora ci sono! Inoltre credo di avere la comprensione di tutti; mi lasciano i miei spazi ed i miei pensieri senza farmi pesare nulla . Stamattina ci siamo svegliati presto prima dell’alba per lasciare il porto di Levanzo perche’ occupavamo il posto della nave che rifornisce l’isola di acqua e Roberto ha deciso di partire subito per Trapani. Ieri prima di scendere a terra per l’aperitivo mi sono tuffata e al rientro mi ha beccato una medusa. Non riuscivo a staccarla da me e mi ha bruciato la pelle al busto, al bacino e al polpaccio. Sono tornata bordo un po’ scioccata e Federico, Lucia e Maria mi hanno fatto il pronto soccorso con l’ammonica. Il bruciore un po’ e’ passato, comunque i vari segni sono rimasti ben visibili e chissa’ per quanto lo saranno ancora. Oggi per fortuna eravamo al porto di Trapani quindi non avevo l’opportunita’ di prendere il sole. In compenso siamo andati al mercato del pesce e abbiamo comprato I gamberi, gamberetti, calamari, le seppie, le cozze, sogliole e razze (meraviglio tutti per la quantita’ di cose buone che riesco a comprare ma davvero…. non riesco a trattenermi). Lucia con Roby hanno preparato un pranzo squisito: carpaccio di gamberi e calamari e impepata di cozze. Poi mentre loro si sono schiacciati un “pisellino”, io insieme a Maria e Federico sono andata al caffe a prendere una granita al caffe e panna montata. Poi siamo passati dall’altro barettino/pasticceria a prendere un paio di cannoli siciliani, una baba’ alla ricotta e una pasta croccante con le mandorle, noci e marmellata. Quando siamo tornati a bordo abbiamo mangiato subito I cannoli e siamo partiti per Favignana. Eravamo a Trapani per riaggiustare il salpa ancora che si era bloccato giorni fa e ci ha dato qualche problema, Ci hanno smontato il verricello e l’hanno portato nel cantiere per aggiustare. Domani ce lo riporteranno a Favignana (che comodita’). I prossimi due giorni pare che saremo li perche’ sia Lucia che Maria e Federico sono in partenza per casa. Eccoci qua, siamo di nuovo in una delle baie di Favignana; Roberto e’ riuscito a farci arrivare in tempo per non farci perdere la nuotata neppure oggi e non vedo l’ora di tuffarmi di nuovo nell’acqua di mare. Non me ne puo’ fregare de meno(espressione romana) delle meduse. Un giorno senza nuotare mi ha fatto diventare matta, meno male c’e’ la Maria che e’ sempre in grado di fare stare felici tutti quanti; e’ una donna con una grande positivita’. Povero Roby deve subire I miei umori da bambina. Comunque, mi conosce e sa che mi passera’….A dopo… vado a fare un tuffo………… splashhhhhhhhh!

21 Agosto 2009

Ormai da 3 settimane sono a borda di Ydra 2. Mi sembra di esserci da sempre . tutto ciò che appartiene a questa barca fa parte di me e della mia vita e in fondo sento che e’ un pò vero anche il contrario. Fino ad ora abbiamo avuto 3 ospiti a bordo piu’ gli amici. Tutti quanti siamo stati da Dio senza nessuna restrizione degli spazi o idee contrastanti. Tutto e’ stato in sintonia senza nessun malessere o arrabbiature. Non e’ facile rispettare gli spazi degli altri, invece ci siamo riusciti benissimo. Maria e Federico sono sbarcati il 14 e noi tre siamo rimasti soli a sistemare la barca per ricevere Francesco (un politico - amico di Roberto). E’ salito a bordo a Trapani dove ho fatto sotto gli occhi un po “contrariati” di Lucia una favolosa ed enorme cambusa di pesce; il congelatore sembrava volesse scoppiare per tutti i gamberi, i calamari e lo spada che doveva contenere. Dopo un ottimo gelato e pasticcini vari siamo partiti per Favignana. Splendida cenetta preparata da Roby (I gamberi crudi e calamari grigliati sulla base d’insalata che ormai sono diventati un suo classico). Insomma come sempre ci siamo leccati i baffi; anche per asciugarli dal vino sempre …presente sulla tavola e…….nelle nostre teste. Dopo la partenza di Lucia il lunedi 17 abbiamo navigato verso Levanzo. Un paio di bagni e ancora un ottimo pranzo (spaghetti al polipo al sugo di pomodoro) e sempre “qualche” lacrima di…vino e……….. siamo andati a Pantelleria saltando Marettimo perche’ Roberto si e’ reso conto che a Francesco piaceva piu’ navigare che visitare le isole (12 ore di navigazione notturna). L’ancora in tutti questi giorni non e’ mai stata sul fondo per piu’ di qualche ora o al massimo per una notte; Ydra o forse solo il suo capitano, hanno una gran voglia di far scorrere acqua sotto la carena e di mostrare a noi tutti quanto possano essere forti e mutevoli le emozioni che tutto questo provoca. Tutti e tre abbiamo dormito in coperta e ogni tanto quando ci svegliavamo eravamo sorpresi dalla luce delle migliaia di stelle che popolavano il cielo. La barca come sempre sembrava dicesse: “dammi vento e ti daro’…miglia”. Appena arrivati alla baia di Pantelleria ci siamo tuffati nel mare delle meduse. Ce ne erano tante però neanche questa volta mi hanno impedito di fare un tuffo e una mega nuotata. Chiaramente sono stata bruciata piu’ di una volta e io imperterrita ho continuato a spruzzarmi addosso un lubrificante per la ruggine (consigliatomi dal meccanico di Favignana) che sta facendo miracoli; se non al naso di chi mi sta vicino, certamente alle mie ustioni. Nonostante abbia qualche segno di bruciato sulla pelle, la mora sulla fronte e l’herpes sulla bocca sto benissimo. E’ vero che il piacere della barca si acquisisce nel tempo e se si e’ rilassati si potrebbe continuare per sempre trasformando una vacanza in uno stile di vita. Di sera ci siamo avvicinati al porto di Pantelleria dove siamo scesi a a terra a mangiare una pizza e un gelato (buonissimo). Poi il giorno dopo mentre eravamo in un’altra baietta Francesco ci ha informato della sua partenza a causa di suoi problemi personali. Doveva sbarcare il giorno dopo. Siamo rimasti la sera a pranzare in rada in quel posto meraviglioso. Roby ha cucinato le patate al forno con le seppie seguite dai gamberi grigliati. E anche questa volta ci ha trattato da re. Abbiamo salutato la partenza di Francesco al caffè del porto facendo una mega colazione (frullato di frutta mista, caffè, latte e cornetto). Dopo aver comprato giusto l’indispensabile; frutta e verdura io e Roby abbiamo continuato a costeggiare Pantelleria. Prima di lasciare l’isola, ci siamo fermati in due posti (l’orecchia d’elefante) e l’ultimo sulla punta di Pantelleria per poi iniziare la traversata per……. La magica Lampedusa estremo limite italiano, praticamente in….. acque africane. .
Una bellissima notte di navigazione nella lucine delle stelle (niente luna). Non riuscivamo a dormire entrambi. Il cielo era cosi bello, il mare cosi piatto, le emozioni cosi’ forti che sembrava di navigare nello studio di ‘Truman Show’; un po ci si aspettava che, come nel film, cascasse dal cielo una telecamera a svelare l’inganno. Poi ci ha salutato una splendida alba col sole arancione che sorgeva , sembrava una palla di fuoco. Era un’alba veramente speciale e…….. la camera e’ cascata davvero! La mattina del 21 agosto 2009 sara’ una data da..…ricordare. Alle 9 abbiamo raggiunto Lampedusa e calato l’ancora in tre metri di fondo in una baia splendida o meglio, in una piscina di mare con tanti pesci e coralli che hanno subito stimolato l’accensione del mio cervello fino ad allora un po…addormentato. Mi sono fatta una mega nuotata (tanto per cambiare) prima che arrivassero le altre barche e una marea di meduse. Queste meduse di Lampedusa sono diverse, sono tonde e molto colorate. Sembrano le falde di una gonna. Ci siamo riempiti di frullatto misto di frutta e un bel caffe. Adesso ognuno si e’ messo a fare le sue cose. Roby deve essere stanco morto dopo non aver dormito tutta la notte ed e’ comunque preso al pc a organizzare il ritorno di Lucia. Io invece sto molto bene pero mi comincia a pesare il pensiero del ritorno; fino a ieri sembrava una cosa lontana e oggi invece avendo fatto tutto il “percorso” che il comandante aveva programmato, non c’e piu’ nulla davanti a noi da scoprire. Devo prenotare il mio volo di rientro e non ho proprio voglia neanche di pensarci. Prima di partire vorrei anche fare questo filmato di ‘yoga on board’. Mi sono accorta che la mia altra camera che’ compatibile col Mac non funziona. Adesso dovro’ usare quell’altre (mini dvd) e poi fare la conversione. Che e’ un po’ piu’ complicato però, andrà bene lo stesso anzi….meglio. Mi sa che l’ora di fare un tuffo. E’ mezzogiorno e un quarto e comincia ad essere veramente caldo pur essendo in mezzo alla baia con una brezza di vento che pero’ viene….dall’africa. Meduse……..fate spazio, arrivo io!


27 Agosto 2009

“Finalmente” riesco a vedere l’equipaggio al completo (ma forse lo era già giorni fa’) qua a bordo di Ydra 2, Siamo in 7. Ieri, salpati da Lampedusa abbiamo fatto rotta su Linosa per poi giungere a Pantelleria e imbarcare il fratello di Roberto con la sua amica e la figlia. Vorrei tornare a qualche giorno fa mentre eravamo in Lampedusa., che’ un posto veramente speciale. Da quando e’ sbarcato Francesco a Pantelleria una settimana fa subito con Roby siamo andati a Lampedusa. 12 ore di navigazione notturna col cielo pieno di stelle; si chiudevano gli occhi solo per caricarsi di energia e rimanere svegli il piu’ possibile – per continuare ad ammirare lo spettacolo del cielo con le stelle che tutti potevano vedere e quelle che soltanto la nostra immaginazione metteva in luce. Appena arrivati ci siamo ormeggiati in una bella caletta su un fondo turchese contornate da roccia. Era davvero pieno di meduse e molto diverse da quelle delle Egadi. Come una falda di una gonna galleggiavano nell’acqua. Questa volta sono riuscita a salvare la pelle dalle bruciature; ma forse tutto questo lo avevo gia’ scritto. (Evidentemente quella notte e la mattina successiva, sono rimaste impresse nella mia memoria). Siamo scesi a terra, una bellissima terra che ci ha accolti in modo divino e cenato in un ristorantino sul porto dei pescatori; attratti dalla gente locale, abbiamo fatto la scelta giusta. Si mangiava divinamente: decine di antipastini vari seguiti da linguine alla marinara e scampi grigliati. Davvero da leccarsi i baffi. Poi una passeggiata sul corso pieno di baretti e musica dal vivo; un ambiente molto vario e genuino dove ogniuno poteva ritrovare cio’ che cercava. E’ stata una splendida serata con emozioni intense a conclusione di una giornata particolare. L’altro giorno siamo andati all’isola dei conigli, con uno sfondo bellissimo, dove mi sono tuffata e fatto mille bagni. Questa baia era la piu’ bella che io abbia mai visto. La mattina presto non era ancora affollata dalla gente e mi faceva sembrare di essere in paradiso, o meglio, nel mondo delle fiabe. La ci siamo rilassati e poi la sera di nuovo al porto per un’aperitivo. Abbiamo lasciato l’ormeggio mentre tramontava il sole. Era una mini navigazione nel lume di colori meravigliosi che mutavano nel cielo. Tutti i riflessi e le tonalita’di rosso e viola si sono velocemente presentate ai nostri occhi e ci hanno rapito. Ogni volta che osservo un’alba o un tramonto resto sempre sconvolta dal mistero e meraviglia dei colori e odori che li accompagnano. Arrivati al porto non avevamo tanta energia di affrontare la civilta’. Siamo scesi a terra ma non abbiamo gustato quei drink particolarmente. La magia del giorno precedente non si e’ riproposta Poi una volta tornati a bordo sembrava di essere in una discoteca; eravamo ormeggiati di fronte alla spiaggia di un albergo da dove veniva musica a manetta. Era molto meglio farci i drink a bordo e fare finta di essere in discoteca. Non e’ che mi invogliava molto esserci pero’ da lontano, era attraente. Dopo un po’ sono andata ad affrontare “Morfeo” e la battaglia contro di lui, e’ stata subito……….vinta. Al mattino, appena alzati, siamo subito ritornati alla baietta del giorno prima per fare le riprese. Abbiamo fissato la camera e ho cominciato il mio video della ‘yoga on boat’. E’ venuto discretamente, direi proprio niente male considerando che era la prima volta che abbiamo fissato la camera e fatto tutto da sola. Nel pomeriggio siamo rientrati al porto per imbarcare la Lucia e suo figlio (Ivan). Abbiamo sperato prima che loro arrivassero di trovare qualche bar e farci uno spuntino giusto per chiudere il buco nello stomaco. Sfortunatamente non c’era anima viva a terra a quell’ora (le 3 di pomeriggio). Apparentemente l’isola vive solo dall’ora dell’ aperitivo (dalle 6.30 di sera) quando il sole sta per tramontare. Il caldo non permette di fare altrimenti e tutti evidentemente fino a quell’ora sono…….in acqua. Noi ce la passiamo perfettamente a bordo dove arriva sempre una brezza di vento e ci si puo’ tuffare ogni volta che ci viene di rinfrescarsi. Io per tutto il mese mi sono fatta ore e chilometri di nuoto seguendo la costa. Ho passato e lo sto ancora facendo un tempo bellissimo senza mai sprecarlo. Anche con la Lucia abbiamo continuato fare le riprese di yoga con lo stesso sfondo di Lampedusa e l’isoletta dei conigli. Poi di nuovo a terra per brindare il loro arrivo, Gli stuzzichini di pesce, le granite e i gelati. Insomma ci siamo ‘maltrattati’ anche questa volta. Poi e’ arrivato il momento di una nuova partenza; quest’isola, confine estremo dell’italia, restera’ nel mio cuore e comunque sara’ sempre presente per le tante riprese fatte. Una piccola traversata per il nuovo appuntamento (non si finisce mai) passando per l’isola di Linosa; purtroppo solo per un giorno; meritava davvero di piu’. E’ un’isola piccolissima e “forte” che sprigiona un’energia intensa; siamo scesi a terra solo per una colazione (pessima) e un pochino di spesa; io ho fatto una bella passeggiata durante la quale ho molto pensato ai giorni trascorsi; a quello che sto vivendo e a cio’ che il futuro vorra’ riservarmi. Quindi proprio ieri ci siamo trovati al porto di Pantelleria, dove abbiamo dato il benvenuto ai nuovi ospiti e noi tre siamo spariti a fare la cambusa e qualche aperitivuccio. Una volta tornati a bordo subito abbiamo cambiato il posto d’ormeggio muovendoci dal porto alla prima piu’ vicina caletta; Roby non ama dormire in porto e sa che neppure a me ….piace. Come sempre ho dormito sotto le stelle. Questa notte era particolarmente asciuta, non c’era umidità cosa mai accaduta prima da un mese che dormo sotto il cielo. Stamattina mi sono svegliata in questa bellissima insenatura circondata dalle roccie e lo splendore dell’acqua. Ho fatto dei chilometri di nuoto e sono stata molto “corteggiata” dalle meduse. Adesso sono tutta un dolore, questa volta la puntura e’ stata bella tosta. In effetti mi sono fermata a bordo per un po’ giusto per continuare questo diario di bordo e fare passare il dolore per essere pronta ad affrontare l’altro; (dovro’ comprare a Roby una nuova bomboletta di lubrificante). Sono seduta sotto il tendalino a prua e sto scrivendo. Fra un po’ mi tuffero’ di nuovo nell’acqua e andro’ a terra;).

30 Agosto 2009

Impressionante come corre il tempo, senza neanche accorgersi siamo alla fine d’Agosto. Io continuo fare I miei tuffi nelle aque piu’ blu e I posti piu’ splendidi del mondo. Roby ci varia il viaggio frequentamente. Non c’e’ mai stato un’ giorno che ci e’ pesato, a parte gli ospiti. Dopo un po se c’e’ qualcuno che non subentra alla nostra filosofia di vita si crea malessere. La barca e’ uno spazio comunque limitato e se c’e’ qualcuno che non centra niente col ambiente di bordo non c’e’ niente da fare – rovina la tranquillita e la rilassatezza degli altri. Ma anche questo fa parte del gioco di convivenza a bordo; bisogna adattarsi ed in questo , siamo tutti molto bravi. Fino ad ora e’ andata bene perche quasi tutti ospiti sono stati carini e questo e’ l’unico caso, particolarmente delicato, di avere qualcuno che non centra niente con la vita di barca, Poco male, tanto noi c’e la caviamo lo stesso, a parte che il comandate comincia a uscire un po’ fuori di testa. Ieri siamo stati alle Egadi nuovamente. Le ho viste con un altro occhio. Siamo stati a Marettimo e poi a Favignana. E questa volta i colori del mare contrastati dalle roccie sembravano piu’ intensi e meravigliosi. Abbiamo rifatto le riprese di yoga da vari angoli grazie all’aiuto di Lucia. Ieri sera siamo scesi a terra al porto di Favignana a mangiare il pesce, ancora c’era molta gente, percio’ abbiamo aspettato per la tavola fino alle 11 di sera. Ormai io ci sono abituata ai ritmi diversi della vita qua giu, ma pare che I bambini che sono a bordo ancora non hanno masticato il fatto che gli orari dei pasti sono un po’ diversi da quelli che a loro sono famigliari. Comunque niente male al meno si addormentano senza mangiare e la mattina dopo si svegliano con piu’ fame. Cosi’ apprezzeranno di piu’ il valore del cibo. Da quello che ho notato sono un po’ viziati e non mangiano tutto come gli adulti. Pero poco male sono troppo simpatici molto piu’ di qualche adulto….(che mangia ancora meno). Tornando al discorso del mare. Ieri notte subito dopo aver mangiato abbiamo navigato fino alla Cala Rossa (Favignana), un posto splendido. Ormai ben conosciuto. Stamattina mi sono svegliata all’alba e non sapevo che fare, se svegliare Roby e chiederli di salire sull’albero(come promesso) oppure tuffarmi nell’acqua turchese. In effetti ho svegliato Roby e lui ne Lucia vevano tanta voglia di alzarsi. Praticamente mi hanno mandato a quel paese. Allora non mi e’ rimasto altro che tuffarmi in quell ‘acqua da favola. Quasi li ho ringraziati per essere stato cosi definitivo e cosi via; mi sono fatta una nuotate di quelle indimenticabili. Una baia tutta per me. Le rocce verticali perfettamente scavate dal mare e bagnate dal’acqua cristallina. Pero non riuscivo a rilassarmi completamente per via di avere sempre nella mente le riprese che sarebbero venute benissimo con uno sfondo del mare come quello. Appena tornata a bordo non ho fatto passare 5 minuti e ho svegliato Roby di nuovo. A questo punto neanche a Lucia ho fatto dormire; che sciagurata che sono. Li ho stressati tutti e due per fare queste riprese. E finalmente ci sono riuscita. Lucia e’ salita sull’albero e ha fatto 17 minuti di riprese dall’alto. Era molto stancante farlo da la su specialmente quando la barca si muove dalle onde. Prima il mare era piatto ma proprio quando e’ salita lei si e’ increspato un po’. E’ stata molto brava e gentile e sono proprio “curiosa” di guardare il filmato, ancora non l’ho visto. Oggi durante la navigazione da Favignana a San Vito lo Capo in Sicilia ho avuto la nausea perciò era meglio non fare altro che essere sdraiata per tutto Il tragitto e godermi la traversata. E’ troppo bello lasciarsi andare, coccolati dal mare e il vento e ascoltare la barca che naviga . Anche se di vento ce ne era pochissimo. L’ultimamente fa veramente caldo, non l’ha fatto neanche a Ferragosto e adesso ce lo pigliamo tutto. Mi sono tuffata nell’acqua di San Vito lo Capo e ho fatto quasi 4 kilometri di nuoto intorno alla riva e agli scogli che circondano la vecchia tonnara. Sembrava di essere nel medioevo e vedere tutti I pescatori e le loro famiglie che vivevano qui. Ormai e’ diventato un posto turistico affollato di gente che e’ schiacciata come in una scatola di sardine. Adesso per fortuna siamo in bassa stagione quindi sono riuscita a godermi questo posto veramente tanto. E’ bello tornare nei posti gia’ visti per potere rivivere dei momenti diversi e vederli con un altra prospettiva. Adesso sono seduta sotto il boma a prua e mi illumina la luce dello schermo del computer unita a quella della luna che mi investe dall’alto. Roby e Lucia hanno preparato una cena spaziale di crostacei. Siccome oggi non ho preso l’aperitivo sono disperata nell’attesa di mangiarli. Anche se devo dire lo sono quasi sempre nonostante dall’aperitivo;) Vado ad aiutarli ad apparecchiare la tavola. Mi sa che l’hanno ormai fatta…

3 Settembre 2009

La fine della vacanza e’ arrivata. Stiamo navigando verso Napoli. Appena lasciate le Eolie ( Stromboli) stiamo navigando sul mare piatto come un iceberg. Non c’e’ neanche una crespa. Non e’ cosi strano perche praticamente durante tutta la stagione estiva (Agosto) piu’ o meno c’e’ sempre stato il mare calmo. Fino al punto che mi sono disabituata a stare sulla barca che balla in mezzo al mare. Adesso ogni piccola onda provocata dalle altre barche che passano mi fa venire la nausea. Mi sento veramente strana, forse inconsapevolmente non mene voglio andare via e questo e’ una specie di difesa contro la realta’. Va be non e’ che da adesso in poi staro’ cosi male. Mi aspettano solo delle belle cose, lottare contro cose sconosciute. Non so che faro’ appena atterrero’ a Londra pero so’ che qualsiasi cosa faccia sara’ quello che desidero. Come ogni ostacolo nella nostra vita tipo questo di 3 mesi di inserimento nell’ambiente italiano, marittimo ci fanno riflettere e ci portano nella direzione desiderata. Solo il distacco ci da l’esatta dimensione di cosa si perde e ci fa capire dove veramente si vuole arrivare.
2 giorni fa siamo stai a Panarea (Eolie) – in uno dei posti piu’ belli nell’arcipelago delle Eolie. Veramente un mare splendido, il fondale di sabbia Bianca e pieno di pesci colorati. Le rocce spuntavano in mezzo alla baia (Cala Mezzane), circondata dalle mura di fortificazione mediavali. Sono salita sulla punta alta della roccia e ho fatto un pezzo di sentiero che costeggiava il mare. Mi sembrava di vivere ed essere protagonista di un film, ogni tanto mi chiedo se tutto cio’ che accade fa parte della realta o dei sogni. Non potrei mai immaginare di avere una vita piu’ ricca e piena di esperienze come questa che sto vivendo. Mi e’ stato offerto un mondo pieno di gioia di godere della natura che mi circonda. Il mare, il cielo, il sole e la luna sono questi gli elementi e le cose con le quali mi identifico e che mi rappresentano. La barca (Roby) mi hanno permesso questo . Ieri dopo essere arrivati a Stromboli ci siamo scesi a terra per salutare I vecchi amici di Lucia. Lucia ha visuto a Stromboli c.a. 30 anni fa e occupava uno dei ruderi, che abbiamo trovato in vendita. Ritrovarsi nello stesso posto dove ha vissuto e sopratutto aver visto che era messo in vendita ora, proprio quando e’ ripassata e’ stato molto emozionane per lei. Ho incotrato anche la mia amica conosciuta 7 anni fa ad Antigua. Lei una volta ha vissuto a Stromboli, dopo l’eruzione del vulcano 8 anni fa col suo ex si è trasferita ai Caraibi. Lei da 3 anni e’ ritornata in Italia, inizialmente stava a Napoli e poi definitivamente e’ ritornata a Stromboli. Ovviamente questa terra ha un suo fascino essendo un vulcano attivo. Ha un’energia particolare che si nota gia’ da uno di passaggio figuriamoci per quanti decidono di viverci. Ha una bella aura e resta comunque un posto tranquillo, anche se confrontato con quello che era 30 anni fa non lo e’ piu’. ………
Di solito un diario di bordo termina diversamente con lo …… sbarco a terra di chi scrive; abbracci (o parolacce), saluti e promesse di rincontrarsi ma forse, le cose che vorrei ancora scrivere le diro’ in seguito o forse continuero’ a tenerle custodite soltanto nella mia mente e nel mio….cuore!